Wednesday, May 4, 2016

What I Want

I read some ponderings of another Mama this week. They are writings from long ago. This Mama is no longer in the same spot, but when she wrote this she was in the exact same spot as I am now. 

She asks a question that I have not been able to answer in my own life... "Why is motherhood so double minded?" I know the gift of it and yet I long for everything that mothering a brood of six children is not__ I long for quiet and bickering, whining, sulking, crying- free days. 

And yet, like she said, there was once a day when my home was empty and clean. And although my spirit longs for peace and quiet, it also knows the privilege and gift of this season. 

I can't remember where I heard it, but I recently heard a mom say that she loves the life she's in, but if she could buy "alone time" on Amazon Prime, she would.  I couldn't have said it any better.

____ Now onto the dilemma of motherhood__
"I hardly dare to give birth to these questions…..they are safer living deep inside of me…do I dare labor them into existence outside of me?
Is “I want”of the flesh? Is “I want” an idol? Is there nothing spiritual when my soul whispers “I want”? Is “I want” completely devoid of holiness?
What do I want?
~I want some simple peace and quiet
~I want a trickle of minutes to pursue my own interests
~I want a home that is warm, welcoming, well-kept…anyone ever heard of the Walton’s?
~I want clear windows, crumb-free floors, barren laundry baskets
~I want stillness to think, to reflect, to meditate….to be
~I want sand clocks to have a complete revolution without any interruptions, fights, yelling, or tears
~I want the door to sit quiet for an entire afternoon, no slamming and thumping and hollering, “Mooooom????”
~I want some plain old joy,….anyone ever heard of a life—ok, a day– without incessant bickering
~I want to accomplish some things on my life list that are not associated with coveted coloring pages, diapers, bandages, or stolen Tonka’s
Sincerely, are these wants sins? Am I then fundamentally a carnal, selfish heathen? When my heart drums, “I want”, do I cease to beat with the heart of God?
Why does not my voice echo the psalmist: “And I have no desire on earth besides You” (Ps 73: 25) ? Why do I desire the triviality of smudge-free windows and cry-free days?
If Divinity resides in me, why do I want for more—which is actually so much less?

Can I be a person after His own heart and not want anymore children? Does Christ reside in my core when I have days where I sigh with relief when they all fall asleep and cringe with exasperation when afternoon quiet time explodes into rowdiness? Would that be what Jesus would do? I cannot imagine it so.
Did He not say, “Whosoever shall receive one of such little children in my name, receives me” ? (Mk 9:37) …
Am I a godly mother on a day like today when I want to tape a sign on my back door “CLOSED—sorry, we are not receiving any children, frogs or bruises this afternoon”?
Can I be walking in Christ when my heart is does not yearn to receive more children…..let alone the children I have!?
My Lord is the same Lord who taught, “See that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, that in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father who is in heaven.”(Matt 18:10) ……
There are days I totter on the fine line of despise. Despising the disturbances, the squabbles, the swath of disaster left in their wake. I tremble in the concession, yes, there are days I despise.
Didn’t God Incarnate command me not to… these very children have their own personal angels who always look upon the very face of Holiness? How can I pursue righteousness and yet still these little ones can, on a random spattering of days, grate upon me so? Are not these two mind-sets diametrically opposed?
The psalmist sang adoration with “He causes the barren to live in the house as the joyful mother of sons. Praise Jehovah!” (Psalms 113:9) .
I was once barren and my house lay fallow and quiet…..and now my house rumbles relentlessly as I live here, the mother of 4 sons and a daughter. Why am I not too joyful, praising Jehovah? Tell me, why do I not dance with the psalmist to God’s song of delight? Why, in this moment, do I want the music to stop and everything just to be quiet??!!
Why is motherhood so ambivalent? So utterly two-minded?
How can I look into the eyes of these real, living and breathing people, these flesh-of-my-flesh children one moment and know, “I could not breathe without your existence. Your life bestows my life with meaning and purpose and a love I have never known”……and in the next moment know, “I cannot bear this burden of you and all that you need another moment….Please, grant me space”?
Is it when God divides cells in your womb to produce life, that He divides your mind to produces such wavering? How can I love so powerfully and yet yearn to escape?

I only have questions, resonating, reverberating, ringing……ringing true . Can any One answer?
Yes, ………in the still of the Universe, I can hear His never-wavering truth……
“But Jesus said, Allow the little children and do not hinder them. For of such is the kingdom of Heaven.” (Matthew 10:14)
Yes, Lord, thou servant is stilled and is listening. My tongue is quieted and I have heard…..
Allow them… not hinder them……. 
Yes, Father, I understand. If I receive them, I receive You.
And what more could I ever want?"