Thinking On His Perfect Grace

I know how hard it is because I struggle with the very same thing.

I know how frustrating it can be when the spunky girl still tunes you out after the fiftieth time that you've tried to tell her something. I know that anger that rises deep within when someone takes your lego-masterpiece, throws it on the floor, breaks it, then runs the other way laughing.

I get it.

I truly get it.

And when My Siah looses it on his sister for the umpteenth time on a Tuesday, I send him up to his room and tell him that I'll join him in awhile for a little chat.

How Lord, am I to hold this son accountable to the very things that I too struggle with?

I've read it a thousand times.

And I know with my whole heart that it's true...

"Do I really smother my own joy because I believe that anger achieves more than love? That Satan's way is more powerful, more practical, more fulfilling in my daily life than Jesus' way? Why else get angry?"

That tone... the one that creeps into this farmhouse WAY TO OFTEN... it's this Mama believing that the Enemies ways are better than the One who calls Himself LOVE.

And I've passed on this trait to my son.






The son that sits up in his room... I've got to find a way into his heart. But how when my own example flails?

I wipe down the last of the kitchen counters and pray fervently for my son and I and the way that our words move around in this house.

I make my way up the stairs and quietly open his door, peek in. He's sobbing on his bed and before I can even offer a word, he says it loud and clear and I am at a total loss...

"Why am I such a bad boy? I just keep on being bad."

All I wanna do is hold him... so I do just that.

Does he know that I ask the Lord nearly everyday that same question? The treasures and I, we talk daily of how all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Is that what I talk about with my son in this moment?

Or is now simply another opportunity for the glorious joy and hope of the gospel?

I remind that sweet boy of mine that he's not alone.

"Remember your Mama and the way she flails with you and the way she forgets and the way she lets that yucky enemy in?


Remember the way that He loves those who believe in Him?

Remember that grace, the kind He offers so freely?

Remember how we read just this morning the amazing power that the disciples received when the Holy Spirit came upon them in that upper room?

Here we are, you and me in this upper-attic room of yours, and that same Holy Spirit is here with you and me that was there with the disciples. Son. we might keep on struggling with these words of ours for a very long time. But each time we forget that love trumps anger, we need only to go to the cross, and there, find a gentle reminder to choose Him."

My Siah sat there under his covers and his weeping turned into whimpering and him and I we confessed our mouths (Mama too, cuz I am the chief of sinners in this home), and we asked our sweet Lord for strength, that He might do in us what we are unable to do in ourselves.

____________


I've held my boy several times this week.

Once he said to me,

"How many times can I be forgiven Mama?"

"Endless," I told him with a heart filled smile on my face.

"There is nothing you could ever do to make Him love you less. Nothing."

"He forgives as far as the east is from the west....
Seventy times seven...
And while on the cross He pleaded with His Father,
"Father forgive them for they know not what they do..."

Even in our worst moment He offered us forgiveness.

He forgives before we even ask.

He is perfect grace. And He gives freely... simply because you know Him and you've said that your life is His."

My son, I know things under this roof are so far from perfect. I know that we bruise one another... often.  But in the learning I pray that you would never doubt His extravagant love for you!

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." (colossians 3:12-14)






Lord, thank you for this farmhouse, these kids, mistakes, and forgiveness.

It's all making us run straight into You.


Out of the messy days, You are making all things beautiful.

The Charmer

The Charmer...

What can I say? I went to take pictures of his cast so that I might be able to put out a little update on his arm and I find him on the living room floor coloring his see-through, white wisps with a green marker.

And in his other hand??

A green stamp.

What's a Mama to do.......??

Take pictures anyway of that sweet boy face!

We took him to the orthopedic surgeon yesterday.

His fracture really isn't all that bad.
But because he's an active little man, they put a cast on anyway so that he wouldn't continue to injure his arm every time he used it. :)

We picked black in honor of the Cowboy. It's his favorite color. :)

And as you can see, the Charmer doesn't seem to care in the slightest that he has this massive thing on his arm. For that, we are so grateful! :)

First Things

The spunky girl got her hair cut this week for the first time.

She loves it! 

This girl does not struggle with any sort of self esteem issues over here! :)

When we got home, she looked in the mirror and declared to herself,

"Man, I look BEAUTIFUL!!!" 

Hilarious! 

Honestly, I have no idea where she came from. I love her spunky little personality but she's nothing like me, nor the Cowboy.

She rarely ever stops talking. 

She LOVES sweets!

She loves pasta and coloring, and dressing up, and anything purple. 

She's convinced that "sparkly" should be everyone's favorite color. 

Her idol just might be Fancy Nancy.

She always wants her nails painted and a thousand clips in her and sh'e been walking around the house with her pinky in the air calling people "Darling."

I LOVE this girl. 

All That's Needed Are His Eyes

I had this feeling that he just might be the first.









It's been those kind of weeks here on the farm.

The ones where we pass the ailments around, and one by one the six of us living under this farmhouse roof have more opportunity to practice a bit of the real meaning of patience... acceptance with joy.

First the dancing girl with a UTI, then the boys with the flu... then the Mama with the flu.

And when all seems to be on the mend...

That little Charmer of ours tumbles all the way down the stairs at a friends house and earns himself a lovely trip to the ER with his Mama.

And to add to the loveliness of it all, it turns out that I forgot to turn in the paper work to renew the little Charmers health insurance. And I can't complete the paper work without his birth certificate. And well... Bummer... I still haven't gotten one of those for him either. :)

These weren't the plans I had for our week.

Now it's Friday morning and  I feel my shoulders tightening and I text a prayer friend for some reinforcement.

Taking a deep breath, I head to the kitchen, cut up some strawberries to pack in their lunch and I mumble frustration under my breath. A little one comes in and I spout off something quick, something harsh, and the little one begins to cry.

Her tears rip me right out of my pity party and I just can't stand the way that enemy gets the very best of me sometimes.

I make it right quick and pull that treasure in close and we hold each other long.

All I want Lord is your eyes. I just need to see what you see.

I know that you've been working on this jar of clay for some time now. I know I'm not the same woman I was just a few years ago, a few months ago, maybe even a few days ago.

How does it go again?

Oh ya...

There is always hope in You... Always.

And I know that you're real because I find myself standing there in that kitchen and my heart starts to see the very things that I couldn't even think upon just five minutes before.


There on the fridge is that list of the ways that You love me, that list that has been changing me all year long.

I grab that red pen on the counter and I write it all down and you open my eyes to Your extravagant love.

Thank you Lord that I even have an opportunity to have insurance for my children.

Thank you that I there's gas in my car to get me to the places that I need to go to get the things that I need for these treasures of mine.

Thank you for dear friends that take the oldest treasures in for the afternoon so that they don't have to be drug all over town all afternoon.

Thank you that we live here in this place, near a hospital that provides incredible care, the best in the world. Thank you for access to such care for the ones that I hold so dear. 

I leave the farmhouse and set out into all that had to be done on a Friday afternoon, with a little boy in tote who is still refusing to move his right arm. And I must say that I not only did I find acceptance in what He had chosen to give me in today, but I found acceptance with joy.

That's the way He loves. 

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us and eternal glory that far outweighs them all. SO we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

The day has come to an end.

And He was there, in every place.

At the records office I was the only one in line.
At the insurance office I was in and out in less than an hour.
At the ER, they took us right in and got the Charmer an X-ray right away on his little arm.

And the added bonus was this little face looking up at me all day.

{The Charmer in the ER}

Thank you Lord for the rare gift of having a whole afternoon alone with this little one. 

Thank you that even though it turned out that he fractured both bones in his little right arm falling down those stairs, he still spent the afternoon all up in smiles and giggles. 

Thank you that he walked himself right out of the ER, full of little man pride in his new dinosaur sling.

Thank you that he cheered up the old woman in the waiting room with his stellar smile and his made-up words as he showed her those dinosaurs.

Thank you that when we walked in the door after a long day together, the Cowboy had dinner already in the oven.

Thank you for the way the two of them say their names back and forth at each other in a deep man voice every time they see one another... "Jeddy!" "Papa!" "Jeddy!" "Papa!" Thank you that they both end up in giggles.

Thank you for the Cowboy and the way he helps a Mama out.

Thank you for the way he loves on and cherishes each one of our treasures. 

Thank you that I get to do this life, all this life with a man like the Cowboy. 

Thank you for making us a good team.

Thank you that we're home now, and the farmhouse is warm, and the treasures are all sound asleep in their beds. 

Thank you that tonight the Cowboy and I laughed about silly things together, us all tied up together on the little couch in the corner. 

Thank you for eyes to see what you've already always known...

A Savior so madly in love with His beloved that He so graciously opens her eyes to the thousands of ways that He loves each and every day.

{#'s 715-731 of the list of ways that He loves.}

Life Here

There's a lot of crashing going on around here. The dancing girls stomach ache turned into a whole week of sickness all around. It turns out the dancing girl had a UTI and some other stuff going on. Then on Friday My Siah got the flu and ached his way through the weekend. On Saturday The Charmer crashed and spent the day fevered and lethargic in his Mama's arms.

I only left the farm once this week and that was to take the dancing girl to the doctor.

And for the most part, I've soaked up the time that He's given me. The treasures and I have read a lot of books. And when they were all resting, I read the kind of books that I've wanted to read (cuz I'm kind of a book worm over here :).

He's placed in my heart a renewed passion for His Word these past few weeks and most days I feel like I just can't get enough. I love these seasons because I know it's not always like this.

We've made some yummy food and sat often around the fire.

On Thursday the Cowboy brought home a pizza and we had a family movie night. (The rule is, if Mama and Papa have to watch a kids movie, well then, Mama gets to pick the movie... And I pick the same one every time... Robin hood. It's been my favorite Disney movie since I was a kid.)

The Cowboy and I have had a lot of time to simply be with one another this past week.

I'm so grateful.

I sure do love this man.

Tonight he watched the kids and told me to just go out to coffee with a friend and take a breather from manning the homestead. It was thoughtful of him and I soaked up every minute of it.

He starts school up again tomorrow and I know that we'll be shifting again into a new season. I'm so excited for him and all the doors that the Lord is opening up for him right now.

I've been so blessed to watch him grow these past months further into his Savior, blessed that he would share his heart with me. Today he had the privilege of being a part of praying with someone to give their life to Christ for the first time. This man heard about Christ when he was young but now in his mid-forties, realized that he had never really given his life over to the Lord. After church the man texted my Joey and told him that he felt like a 200lb weight had been lifted off his shoulders. How good is the Lord??

Well, anyways...

It's late and I should be in bed but I wanted to scratch out a bit of what the Lord is doing here in our little farmhouse. When I write things down it helps me to remember that He is always good and I am always loved. Looking forward to what ever He has up His sleeve for me this week. :)

How A Marriage Might Speak

Him and I we meet in the dark, and it's not always this way.

But on this night, HE brought a broken man and a broken woman together and made them whole, made them one.

Two small pieces of a mysterious puzzle and HIS masterpiece can been seen a bit more clearly...

An extravagant portrait of deep-rooted intimacy.

There in the dark I get this small glimpse of the garden, and the perfection and the confident familiarity that He meant when He gave Adam, Eve,  and He said that it was good.

And always these bare moments of pure innocence between the Cowboy and I, they end in prayer.

But this time as I try to get the words out, my throat tightens and my eyes fill and I can hardly seem to find the words to thank HIM. I'm trying to just to whisper thank you for this bond, this deep deep fellowship between a man and his bride... and it hits me again, an intimacy that my heart fumbles over to grasp, to express.

The Cowboy and I we lie there in the dark, in the loudest silence, the kind where there is no sound but volumes are being spoken. Without a word he slips his fingers in between mine. And he takes over and says the things I am unable to say.

Our marriage, it's as real as marriage can get. It's strange to think that it's meant to be a reflection of Christ and His bride. And in the nitty gritty and the bills, and the kids, and the flooded basement, and the leaky roof, and all the choices that can sometimes overwhelm, I'm trying to think upon that intimacy... Think upon the ONE who lives an absolutely perfect love towards me.

The Cowboy and I and the way that we love one another, it matters.

Our marriage is a powerful avenue in which our children see and understand Christ.

What we do in the dark, when the kids are tucked up in their beds and they can't see, it's the cornerstone for what is seen in the light. When we spend time in secret, in the Word and in prayer, we're deepening our communion with each other and we are strengthening our example for our children.

He gave a challenge that I have been thinking upon all week long, one that I shared with the Cowboy,

"Do you pray together just the two of you, on a regular basis? Couples make their marriage a priority when they pray together. It will not escape their children."

Ultimately, our marriages are to reflect Him. The way we love, the way we forgive, the way we are quick to confess our faults, and offer grace, and speak only words that are helpful for building others up.

And I squirm and my shoulders sink down low at the reality of how short I fall in these areas.

"No human marriage meets God's standard. No husband loves his wife as Christ loved His church. It is humanly impossible. No wife submits to her husband and the church is supposed to submit to Christ, 'in everything' (Eph. 5:24). We all fail. Short of the resurrection, there are no perfect marriages."

Then in comes the Gospel.

Oh that sweet, sweet Gospel!

"Cross-centered parents are imperfect, but they attract their children. And what they attract them to is the gospel."

All those moments of purposed prayer, the pondering of His boundless Word, the living out of His example of humility and servanthood right here in our simple farmhouse...

It all adds up. 

Oh Lord that it just might add up into four small treasures who are madly in love with you???

Our marriage, our actions, they speak volumes louder than our words.

The Cowboy and I, fingers interlocked in the dark. Without a word we find ourselves humbled by His perfect love. And as he squeezes my hand, I know HIS faithfulness in using all the broken pieces of a life to create a masterpiece all for His glory.

"God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before HIM." (Psalm 18 msg)


Lord, may our marriage reflect You, even in, especially in, the broken places. 
May what the Cowboy and I do in secret, richly draw our children into You.  


Resources: Gospel Powered Parenting

The Brotherhood

The Charmer has a handful of words.

But he definitely has two favorites, 

"Papa"

and 

"Yiyahh!" (In English, Siah)

And yesterday when we closed the last book and he clipped those last few papers into his binder,  

My Siah, he asked me, 

"Mama. Can I take Jeddy outside with me?"

The gesture was so sweet, but I just didn't know what to say. 

After all, The Charmer is still a wee little lad, and when exactly is it that you give your six year old the responsibility of keeping his little brother safe. 

I decided to encourage his thoughtfulness and love towards his brother and told him yes... but with very  specific instructions to stay close to the farmhouse, always within my sight. 

Then my Siah, he got his little brother's coat on and slipped on his little brother's snow boots... all by himself.  He put his own gear on and turned around long enough to say goodbye to his Mama and inform me that he was taking Jed somewhere wild and that I need only to ring the dinner bell if I needed them to return from their adventure.

He makes me smile. Often. That boy of mine has a heart that only His heavenly Father could have perfectly pieced together into something so sweet. That boys heart... it makes me giddy sometimes.

When I went outside a few minutes later, I found two brothers, doing boy things out in "the wild."

And I saw a big brother loving loud over a small brother... showing him the ropes of boyhood adventure.

Lord, I pray over these boys that you would ignite an unbreakable brotherhood between the two of them. 

I pray that you would raise them up to be hard workers, servant leaders, men of confident humility. 

I pray that you would break their hearts for the things that break yours. 

Show me their strengths Lord and help me to affirm them with my life and with my words.

Show me their weaknesses Lord and help me to lead them always to your cross where they can find arms full of wisdom and grace. 

Lord, take my boys, I relinquish them into your hands... a funny request, I know, since they never were really mine to begin with.

Use them Lord to spur one another on towards you. May they live a lifetime of sharpening one another in your truth.

Teach me to not hold on so tight that I inevitably push them away. 

Thank you Lord, for brothers.