Discovering His Strengths

I've been seriously disliking home school lately. There are so many things that so many home school parents don't bother to tell you. Like first and fore most, teaching a little boy to read is HARD work. It's frustrating. I've never taught anyone to read in my life. And in this moment, I'm not entirely sure that I ever want to do it again. Some days are fine. But other days are not so fine. He gets frustrated and cries. I get frustrated and cry. I ask him questions he doesn't know the answer to. He asks me questions I don't know the answers to. We both sit there with our face buried in our hands, silent, wondering who's gonna say what next to break the tension that's overwhelming us both.

I talk to other moms... Moms who have walked the same road for many more years than I have. They assure me that things will get better... that the process is normal... that once he strengthens his reading skills everything will get a whole lot easier.

In all honesty I'm not at the place where I'm completely convinced that they're right.

But I will say this... As hard as it has been to figure out how on earth to teach my son how to read, it has been nothing but a gift to watch him grow into this helpful, generous, hard-working, Jesus-loving, almost six-year-old boy. When ever we're NOT trying to master reading, I am so blessed by this little boy and the way that he serves his sisters, the way that he helps me with all the days chores, the way that he spends many minutes each day making his little brother laugh while I'm trying to make dinner or fold laundry.

I'm blessed by the way he's independently responsible with so many things... how before he comes down from his room each morning, he gets himself dressed, makes his bed, cleans his room... how he unloads the dishwasher nearly every morning, vacuums under the table after every meal... how he brings the laundry down the steep stairs a couple times a week, and helps me separate it out.

I'm blessed by the way he prays exactly what's on his heart, how he thanks the Lord for the simple things. I'm blessed by the way that he memorizes God's Word. And I'm beyond blessed by the way that he gently reminds me with scripture that he has written on his heart, to check my tone in my moments of frustration when he says things like, "Mom, you are not using words that are helpful for building others up. Could you please speak in a kinder way?"

What five year old says that to his mother?

I'm blessed by his gratitude... how he goes out of his way to express thanks with no prompting at all. This morning I got out of my nice warm bed to help him find a shirt that he was looking for so that he could leave early for church with Papa. I had a smile on my face, but I was a bit perturbed on the inside, with my lazy side not wanting to get out of bed. I found the shirt and started to walk out of the room when Siah said my name. I turned around and he looked right into me and said so sweetly, "Thank you for helping me Mom."

He has this gift of encouragement that makes me feel like I'm the coolest person ever even when I am so aware of the fact that I NOT. When I went WAY out of my comfort zone and painted our dining room bright green, he told me over and over again that I was doing "such a great job painting." "It's gonna look great Mom... It already does look great Mom." He has so many nice things to say.

And although we have not mastered reading quite yet... I don't regret having my Siah home with me this year. As frustrating as teaching someone to read can be, we're getting there. We WILL get there. We stay diligent in the process despite ourselves. My Joey reminds me daily that our little boy won't be 25 and unable to read.

But having him home has given me the privilege of discovering so many of my Siah's strengths... things that I just might not have had the opportunity to recognize had we not spent the bulk of our days together.

This counting gifts... well... it kinda saves me on days when I just want to quit. It reminds me of God's wildest grace falling on this Mama who often feels at a total loss. There is joy in the chaos. There is hope when all seems lost.

#236-249

*This past friday... a TEAR FREE day of school in the Clark home... Like she so wisely declares, Thanksgiving ALWAYS precedes the miracle!

*A Mama and four treasures riding through the snow in bathing suits... a morning at the YMCA heated, indoor pool.

* Reesie laughing her deep, man laugh, happy splashing wild.

*Siah and Hal flying down the slide at light speed and coming up all smiles.

* Prayer on the couch, in the dark, with My Joey... dreams laid bare and filled with hope before him and my Jesus.

*A Saturday, with no sickness.

*Laying on our stomachs, My Siah and I, watching the snow fall, listening to David Crowder, and talking all silly.

*Siah comes up to me, rests his head on my shoulders, wraps one arm around my back and whispers in my ear,

"Mom, I love it when you call me sweet heart."

* Three little treasures working together to empty the dishwasher.

*A good day in town.

* Scanning a clean house before running out the door to make it to church ON TIME... Yipee!

Thanksgiving precedes another miracle!

*Garden dreams and the best gardening book for children and parents that has sparked in me a great anticipation for June...

I'm Starting To Like This Town

The sunshine here can be so deceiving. My Hal is going stir crazy anticipating the day when she can slip her smooth ivory skin into a sun dress once again. This morning I caught her kneeling on her bed surveying the sunshine creeping across the field outside her window.

"Can I today, Mama?"

"No sundress today, my love."

"But look at all that sun out there. It's so warm."

I know how she feels. For that brief moment my insides fill up with joy that I just might get to put on my flip flops and allow my feet to actually get to breath once again.

And then...

Well,

And then we step outside. And our bare, dry skin gets brushed over with the quick, cool breeze, and we fight hard against the shock of it all.

"Coats, hats, gloves, it is." I try to say it with a smile but inside I'm just as disappointed as she is that the sun out here tells a different story than the wind.

So we both try to make it fun and she picks out something pink to match her pink converse... me, something brown, I feel comfortable in brown.

And the whole fam loads up in the car, trying our best to make the best of it all.

We drive down the loooooong country road.

Siah inquires, "Are we in town yet?"

I chuckle to myself. It's still surreal that we actually live OuT of town.

Today's adventure, the local nursery... new hope for our dried up farm.

We drive up and down a few streets looking for the sign,

High Country Gardens (home grown plants, wine & beer)

We look around for a place to park. There are no spots marked on the asphalt. So we just pull up and park in front of the sign that says 'Enter Here'. I walk in while Joey waits in the car with the crew, four treasures eating peanut butter and honey sandwiches in the back seat.

I open the door slowly, poke my head in, and don't see a single soul.

"Hello?" I call out.

A white bearded man comes around the corner and introduces himself to me as "Woody." He points to a back room and says, "That there is my wife Catherine. She loves gardening. She's a master gardner in this here high country."

I smile. This is just the place I was looking for and this is just the man I was hoping to meet.

I tell him a bit of our story.

"We came from suburbia by the beach. We have a little farm up the road in need of some tender loving care. Thus far in my life I have been unable to keep a houseplant alive for more than a few weeks. Is there any hope for me?"

He smiles, "Well, little miss, you came to the right place today."

For the next ten minutes I bombard him with my questions and he pours hope into this city-girl, wanna be farm-girl, soul of mine. He takes me around his store, the store that he's owned for more decades than I've been alive. I ask about strawberries, he smiles and says, 'That's a piece of cake." I ask about the tomatoes, the peppers. I tell him our dream of a mini orchard. I remind him that I wanna start small, don't want my eyes to be to big our first year of planting. I tell him about the planter box that sits right outside our sun room windows. He asks for the dimensions and plans out a little starter garden for me. "What about our acres of dead weeds? Can wild flowers thrive up here?" He smiles again and shows me pictures of some of the most beautiful fields of wild flowers, his fields, local and breath-taking. His passion for the earth sparks mine. We have a nice little chat and he invites my Joey and I to our our first high-country farmers class on April 2nd. "It's free for the locals," he says.

I waved goodbye to Woody and thank him one last time as I close the old blue door behind me. When I hop back into the car I can't stop smiling, trying to convey to my Joey all that the nice old man had told me.

My Joey smiles too. "We can find a sitter, and go out to dinner before the class. We can make a date of it." He reaches across the center console and hooks his fingers into mine.

We drive down the road a few blocks checking out the town and looking for a bite to eat, and see a cute tea house on the corner, sitting across from a quaint little bookstore. Behind the books, down the ally a bit there's a home decor store with a sign out front that reads 'Margos.' We find a spot on the curb across the street from the bookstore, unload the troops, and meet up with our true friends, the Peeks.

Tara and I get to explore the tea house and the home decor shop with only one child each. The husbands take the rest of the treasures to the toy store at the end of the road. The tea house reminds me so much of the Pannikin back home, and I just smile from ear to ear thinking of the little, yet detailed and intimate gifts that the Lord gives to brighten up my days.

When we walk into the home shop the sweetest old lady greets us at the door. Her store is filled with this farm girls dream. Distressed, old barn wood. I run my fingers across several of the pieces trying to conjure up a plan in my head of how I could make this stuff out of the old wood scattered around our acres. My eyes get big in wonder. I ask Margo about several of the hutches that she has so invitingly placed around her store. It is so fun listening to her talk, one could taste her passion.

Outside, the streets are a windy mess, the breeze is cold and somewhat obnoxious. But when we step foot into each place, the kindness, the zeal in each one of these folks brightened my day. And for a brief moment I even heard myself saying out loud to my Joey,

"I think I'm starting to like this town."

He smiles and pulls me close for a brief moment, then we all walk into the wind and head back to the car... start down that long country road... back to our little farm house... with a hope and a happiness... for this sometimes home-sick soul.

It's was a sweet sweet Saturday.

As the sun goes down, the mountain stands tall under the rain clouds...

the view from our sunroom windows.

And the view from our front porch... Both glorious!

Seven Months & Thirteen Years

When my babies are growing within, I'm praying daily that the Lord is molding them into exactly what I need to help me grow closer to Him. With Siah it was learning to accept His gift of life, to accept that He really did want me to be a Mama, for His glory. With Hal, it was learning to let go of my control. She was anything BUT "according to the book." SHe cried, a lot. She slept when she wanted to, not when I thought she should. You know, that sort of thing. With Reesie He's reminded me that even the most goodie-tou-shu of people can birth rebel children. She's the spunk in my life that reminds me that the Lord has given us all a freedom to make our own choices. Sometimes His children's choices break His heart, but He wants them to love Him because that's what they want for themselves, not because He has forced them to do so.

And with my Jed, He has brought pure joy! He made my Jed joyful beyond anything that I could have thought up on my own. I've been thinking about WHY He chose to make this child the joy-child? He's number four and he could have come out the obnoxious child who's excessively loud and demands a bunch of attention. But instead he came out overflowing with joy.

If you just look at him and gently sing his name, his tears turn into this full face, full body smile. Joey and I both want to be the ones to go get him up in the mornings because when you open the door to his room and his eyes catch yours as you walk across the room, His entire body welcomes you with this outward sort of delight. And your soul can't help itself but t light up with him.

And I look into my little guy in awe, knowing that the Lord answered that pregnancy prayer of mine. That He brought me what I needed in this season to be close to Him. He brought a little boy who reminds me with his little seven month old life that with Christ, I have access to this unspeakable joy in everyday circumstances.

My little guy is seven months old today. My Joey and I have been together for 13 years, today. It would have been a fun day to do something lovely... to have some sort of sweet celebration for my man and my boy. Instead little Jeddy's ear drum burst and he has all this nasty-looking puss oozing out of his ear. And My Joey has some sort of stomach/cold virus that has him feeling under the weather. So instead I made some homemade chicken soup (for the first time ever in my life :) and we all ate dinner together around our brown farm table. No one felt much like talking, except for Hal who is was telling all of us jokes that didn't really make all that much sense at all but still made each of us smile. Everyone was in bed by 7, even my Joey. And I was able to spend the evening with a handful of women talking about 1000 Gifts.

But this post was really supposed to be about my Jeddy and how he is already 7 whole months!

He's totally sitting all by himself.

We're getting better about baths around here and have moved up to three times a week which is an AMAZING accomplishment for this Mama!

He's eating baby food three times a day now.

He's still sleeping in the pack and play in the school room. And I am perfectly content with that.

I think I probably say this every time that I write a little update on him but truly, truly, this little boy lights up my life.

He's getting a little shy now when people talk to him and he buries his head into my chest and it's seriously one of my favoritest things ever!

He grabs for EVERYTHING! He grabbed my hot tea at the table the other week... it was awful. He didn't get any major burns or anything, but how awful does it feel when you're sitting right there, watching him like a hawk and he still manages to get burning hot tea all over himself. So sad!

He puts EVERYTHING in his mouth... everything. :)

He has two teeth now that have are half way in.

He's handsome and fabulous and I'm cherishing every moment that the Lord has given me with this sweet sweet treasure of ours. :)

A Cure For Heart Cancer

I've been reading this post through and through the past few days.

Maybe it resonates because the topic is so close to home for me. But in my story, I am the daughter watching her mother struggle to fight for the joy in her final days.

Or maybe it was the part about still finding gratitude as the cancer slowly kills her body. I don't have breast cancer like this dear woman, or lung cancer like my own Mom, but I fear that I might just have heart cancer... not the kind that kills my physical body, but the kind that slowly deteriorates the soul. The kind that paralyzes a life that could be bringing God-joy to those all around her, but instead I often choose to stay stuck in the mud of my days.. the whining, the bickering, the anger.

"She took this or that."

"He said I couldn't play with him."

"She makes me so mad!"

It's always something.

And like a cancer it drains life out of me.

But I know the cure... because when I pay attention to everyday graces…

I’m spending my life in God-worship. Could there be a better investment?

On the days when my heart feels like it's slowly being torn down by the weight of the world I need to check my priorities. Am I just trying to make it through, or am I intentionally trying to soak it all up, breath it all in, savor the moments that God's given. Is each moment really a gift? Even the hard moments? On those days, inthose moments I need to stop and ask myself,

"Am I just trying to get through the minutes, or am I

honoring Christ with my attitude, treating my treasures with patience and kindness, breathing thanks for all I've been given.

I'm daily training my heart and my mind to believe and to know that all is a gift.

Those four little people that call me Mama... gift.

That husband that writes me love letters with his life.. gift.

My Jesus that breathes life into this soul of mine so that I might recognize His never-stopping, never giving up, always and forever love for me... giant gift.

The whining and the bickering that lead me into His presence, causing me to seekHis face, so that I might reflect His glory to these four little people who live the day in day out nitty gritty with me... grace gift... the kind of gift that's not deserved, but given anyways.

As we grow up together in this house... what will my treasures see in me? Will they see my heart dying of the cancer that creeps in and wants to discourage and defeat this heart of mine? Or will they see me taking the hard medicine of choosing gratitude, even in the yuckiness? There is ALWAYS something to be thankful for... even when the two year old is defiantly disobeying for the ump-teenth time before 9am even comes around, and there's still spilled milk on the floor from the cereal at breakfast, and you cant find two matching shoes to save your life... all the chaos... it's sometimes hard to see it... but it too is all gift. He didn't have to breath life into each one of those treasures, but in all His love, He did. He didn't have to give them spunk, and contagious belly laughs, stellar smiles and spirits that find joy in helping... but in all His love, He did!

When the cancer starts to creep in, take a heaping spoonful of gratitude. It changes EVERYTHING! It brings hope. It changes perspective. It puts life back into a sick soul. :)

Cause me today to pay attention to Your gifts…. a cure for the cancer of my soul.

Gifts he's given this week here...

Finding Joy

Finding my joy in.....

'collecting pieces
of God-glory...'

A large bowl of fresh fruit in mid winter.

Joy amongst siblings. :)

Three cheers to ice cream!

A Papa and his daughter having an ice cream picnic in front of the fire in the farm house living room.

Hula dancing...

Snow waves shading the porch.

Treasures discovering Giant icicles...

Treasures knee high in snow and laughter...

One treasure knee high in snow and tears.

A boy reading to his little brother while I fold laundry in the background.

Littlest girl "reading" for hours all curled up on the couch.

A little girl learning the joy of hard work.

The view of a clean kitchen

A pair of pink converse in the window sill.

Fifty fabulous books checked out from the library... this just might be the best batch yet. Little ones crowd around and listen close... hours of stories together.

Crazy Reesie hair.

Gorgeous sunsets looking west off our front porch.

My Joey saying, "You're car is all clean and gassed up. Have fun today!" as he pulls me in close one last time before he leaves for the day.

Another day...

Another chance to learn to love deep...

All is grace.

He never has to, but He always does.

(#'s 212-235 of discovering 1000 gifts given)

One Week Left To Live

This just might be one of those vulnerable posts...

I hesitate to share for a number of reasons, but the one reason that I want to share is this...

I'm thinking, I'm not the only one.

*********************************

There are plenty of things as I journey towards my Savior that don't seem so daunting to me... It's not all that hard for me to make it to church each week, to make cookies for a neighbor, to read the Word to my kids each day. But lately I have been asking Him to show me what area in my life I can release more fully to Him? What things Lord could draw me in even closer to you, Lord.

And truth be told I kinda knew what He might bring to mind. Because the thing that I have struggled with for years is... giving... yes, giving.

It sounds simple, and maybe silly... but for me it's this intense inner struggle that's at the forefront of my mind every time I go to the store, every time I pick up another shirt that I know I don't need but somehow desperately feel that I must have, every time the pastor stands at the front of the church and gently reminds, "the baskets are there, right next to the communion cross, if you'd like to worship through giving."

And as I stand there in front of my chair in the back row of the chapel, I have this conversation with the Lord nearly every week... "But Lord, how can I give when I feel like I don't have enough? How can I give when I'm wondering how we're gonna pay this bill or that bill? How can I give when work is scarce and there are four little mouths to feed morning, noon and night?

For the past few months I've been thinking about the woman who gave a penny. The woman who gave all she had.

I've been thinking about the rich man who wouldn't sell his possesions to follow Christ.

I've been thinking about Zacheas, and how when Christ went to his house, he not only paid back what he had stolen, he paid back four times as much.

I've been thinking about why it's so hard for me to give? What am I holding onto? Or maybe, what am I afraid of losing?

Joey and I have prayed through these things together over the past months and years.

We're great at giving our time, opening up our home, giving out of our abundance.

But giving sacrificially?

What is it that makes it so difficult for us to give when we know it will cost us something? If I'm honest with myself, is it that I don't believe that God alone is enough? I am a master at giving God what's left over after I have hoarded everything that I think I thought I "needed," but giving to Him my first fruits? How do I do that?

Is it wrong to buy myself something, here and there? I know the answer is no. But I have been deeply convicted for months, for years now, that I've been asking the wrong question. The better question for me is ,

"Why am I holding on so tightly to fear, when the God who owns the universe is my Papa?

Why am I afraid to sacrifice for the one who gave me His everything?"

He's the God who did not withhold His own son, simply so that He could be in a relationship with me... How then will He not also, give me everything I need for this life, and then some? And here I am, afraid to let go of the green and white paper that buys me countless things that will perish. I know somewhere in my heart that this world is fleeting. Nothing physical with last through eternity.

And yet somehow I still find myself buying into the materialism, the constant race for more, the lie that I'm poor and I don't have enough.

What it boils down to is this...

I'm dying to give.

And in the same breath, I'm afraid... afraid that I won't have enough.

In this heart of mine... I'm deeply convicted that I need to shake this... but I feel frozen... How Lord am I to move forward? You Lord, have whispered to this heart that the time has come to stop pondering and simply obey. Obedience, in and of itself is success.. is it not?

Then... in church this past Sunday, the guy at the front stands their bare and convicted in his own heart and he says,

"I just keep thinking, what if I had only one week left to live? How then would I love? How then would I serve?"

And then the conviction came again. And I knew I had to figure out how to give. I knew I wanted to share all that was going on in my head with my Joey. I often struggle with my words, struggle to get across all the thoughts racing through my head.

When Joey walked through the front door, he could see it all over my face...

"Are you okay, babe?"

"Ya, Do you have a minute?"

"Of Course... You alright?"

"Ya, Im gonna try to get this all out the best I can..."

I tried my best to get it all out... All the while in hope that he'll be on the same page... I'm in hope that he'll want to move forward in the practice of giving with me. He listened, offering that wild grace that he often offers.

We recently got our tax return. We both have our list of wants... things for our house, hobbies, travel plans, the like... nothing we need, only wants.

As I share with him, I tell him how I want to give out of sacrifice, I want to involve our kids in the giving.. teach them with our life not just our words... I don't just want to write a check... I wanna be involved with people, with their lives, with their hearts... I want to live the giving.

I tell him how I prayed the the whole car ride home from church, all afternoon while the kids were napping and I don't yet have any specifics but I know we need to start somewhere, and we need to start today...

He sits up in his chair and looks deep into me, tears streaming down my face because for me the conviction is deep... and he answers me in all sincerity ...

"Here's what we're gonna do...

Our personal lists, we put away for now.

We take that money, and we give.

I know the perfect family to bless...

We meet their need, no matter what it may be.

And with our kids... well...

We buy with the kids, we deliver with the kids, we chat with the kids, we pray with the kids. We teach the kids with our lives and not just our words.

God is faithful, he reminds me, and together we'll learn to give."

He holds out his arms and I sink into his chest... He understands, He's willing to come along side and help me to obey in the area that I'm most afraid. He reassures me of God's faithfulness... There's nothing to be afraid of... Perfect love cast out all fear...

On a Tuesday we're sitting around a plastic picnic table in Costco eating pizza with our treasures and we're all chatting about the giving. We're all laughing happy over the things that we get to put in the cart for someone other than ourselves.

So many times it's been us that has received. We know so well the joy of receiving.

And today, we're in the very very beginning of the learning in the giving.

And oddly, or maybe not even oddly at all...

AS a family, we find this unspeakable joy in what was supposed to be a sacrifice...

But really there was nothing sacrificial about it at all..

Instead we were the ones who received the gift.

The delivery... A family of six ringing the door bell... the door opens and all six voices shout at the top of their lungs, "JESUS LOVES YOU!"

And that's really the thing... It's all because of Him that anyone really gives up anything... He's the one who set the best example with His life.

Their Mama and this Mama wrap arms around each other. Two Mama's standing on the porch, tears running down both our cheeks. Two Mamas who have walked the same road of trusting deep in HIS provision, HIS timing, HIS love.

She whispers a tender thanks, and I assure her that all of it is just God's wildest grace raining down on the both of us... and we smile into one another because we both know it to be true.

We get in the car to make the trek back to the farm, the window is down, and my sweet Halee proclaims at the top of her lungs as we pull out of their driveway,

"It's YOU we wanted to give to! Do you know that Jesus loves you!"

She gets it.

When we pull in through our farm gates and see our little white farm house up on the hill, I can't help but think about this one life that I've been given.

What if this was my one week left to live?

How then would I love?

How then would I serve?