When I picked her up from Compassion to take her to the airport we heard Kari Jobe singing quietly through the speakers. I told her how I'm one of those silly girls who when she finds a song, she tends to play it over and over again. She said she does it too. :)
She had sung some of her own songs earlier that morning at Compassion and one of them stuck with me. I found it on itunes this morning and kept it on repeat as I put the blow-up bed away and put the school room back together. It played as I put the laundry away, bathed the treasures, and emptied out the junk drawer in the kitchen.
I didn't know that it would be the words He gave her that would pour into my heart this week...
This Tuesday, our boys would be eight years old.
It sneaks up on me every year... All those heart memories rise up in me. I wanna sink down into my safe-haven bed and wallow in the what-if's, in what I might not have done right.
There's been thoughts of regret and doubt standing right along side thoughts of grace and gratitude.
It was only a few days before Christmas back in 2003 when He took The Cowboy and I to a place that we didn't willingly wanna go, but He took us there anyways.
And over the years He's taken the sting and the pain and turned it into the very words that she so gracefully sings. He is making everything beautiful... In it's time... In His time.
And though this week comes each and every year bringing with it the reminder that I am one broken woman... in His time, He is taking the deepest of pain and making something beautiful.
The Cowboy and I had a long afternoon alone in the car on the way up to Denver today. It's been a long time since him and I really talked about the boys... since we've really talked about the details and the choices and the way He graciously gave us peace in the thick of the hardest decisions we've ever had to make. The Cowboy, he's a man of few words. But when he does decide to speak, he pours out gracious wisdom. He showered me this afternoon with the gentle truth that we cannot live in the pain of the what-ifs. We do not always know if the choices we've made along the way are the right ones, but we can rest witnessing first hand His grace over whatever we have chosen.
Those seventy two hours in that hospital room eight years ago, were oddly ones filled with unexplainable unity... Peace. In that room He took two young kids and grew up a rooted, unbreakable respect in the heart of this young woman for her man. And just like there was no other way to offer the world redemption than to send His one and only Son, there was no other way that our young hearts could have ever really learned how to graciously submit to one another, without the sting of having to let go of their first two boys. Often times the deepest pains are the only paths to really knowing our deep need for Him and Him alone.
Our precious boys were born 5 days before Christmas.
In that delivery room, there were the THREE of us... The Cowboy, This broken Mama, and The Prince of Peace...
Five days before Christmas...
Five days before the celebration of Love come down... And The Prince of Peace, He met us there, His hurting treasures, in that stinging quiet.
There in the dark...
Our arms were empty...
But His were full.
Happy Birthday Sweet Boys... He has not ceased to use your lives for His everlasting glory!
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"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." (Ecclesiastes 3:11-12)
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Listen to it, over and over again...
He IS making everything beautiful... in His time.
Grant me serenity to accept things
The things I cannot change
Grant me the courage, Lord, to change what I can
Wisdom to know the difference
In my weakness You can shine
In Your strength I can fly and
You make everything, everything beautiful
You make everything, everything new
You make everything, everything beautiful
In its time, in Your time
It’s beautiful
Grant me serenity, Lord, and patience
For things will take time
Grant me freedom to walk a new path
And let me feel Your love
In my weakness You can shine
In Your strength I can fly and
Lifting open hands to You my Savior
Beautify my soul
Knowing You redeem my pain and failure
Purify my soul
Beautify my soul
