Friday, July 31, 2015

What He Is, When I Am Not

{Prepping for another year of learning__}

Homeschooling is a funny thing for me. The number one reason we homeschool is because we believe that that's what the Lord has asked us to do.

But the truth of the matter is, each year when school is about to start, I spend an afternoon bawling my little eyes out because homeschooling__is__hard.

This will be year 6 of our homeschooling journey and after all these years I still could never articulate how to be both mom and teacher at the same time. Even after all these years, I have no idea how to balance it all.

Every year has looked completely different because every year our circumstances have been different.

Some years I've been exhausted from being up all night with a new born. Some years I've been in "safety-mode," where in the midst of grammar lessons we have to stop every five minutes to make sure the toddler isn't drinking the toilet water or dumping multi-purpose cleaner (that is in a "child-proof" bottle in a cabinet with a child lock on it) on his head.

Some seasons have felt smooth and effort-less, while still other seasons have felt as if there was no possible way we were going to make it through another day.

Although I know deeply, the privilege of being home with these precious treasures of mine, there is something about homeschooling that makes me brutally aware of my inadequacies, and I don't like that.

{A family bike ride & picking wild flowers__}

Every year I wonder how it is I'm going to teach at all these different levels, and take care of the baby, and keep the toddler alive, and cook meals, and wipe the pee off the toilet, and in the midst of it all, be a nice person.

What I want more than anything in my life is to make God's name GREAT! But it seems to me that homeschooling brings out my weaknesses more than my strengths and it's very hard for me to see that the Lord really is doing something good for His glory in this place.

So every year when school starts, I have to remind myself that the Lord can use even me. I have to write it on the walls and preach it to my heart over and over and over again...

Consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. (1 Corinthians 1:26–29)
"If your résumé is sparse, your intellect feeble, your skills unimpressive, and your wisdom just average, fret not. God can use even you — even meGod wants to use those who look away from their self-sufficiency to his all-sufficiency. God uses all those who humble themselves before the cross, boasting only in him — his strength, his wisdom, his righteousness, his accomplishment."
Our only hope at the One -Room School House, is Christ. That's it. He__is__everything. There is nothing to boast about in this place, except for the grace that only He can lavish on us. 
A thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (1Corinthians 12)

{Smoothies after a long ride__}

Another year is almost here. And although I'm terrified, He's making me brave. He's reminding me that it doesn't really matter if I'm able, because He is more than able to do much more than I can ever think upon or imagine. 
The Lord is the strength of my life. 
Thank goodness for that! 
*Excerpts from Desiring God