Monday, April 27, 2015

When You've Had A Messy Year Of Mothering

My mothering has been messy this year.

I've asked the Lord often what I might be able to do to make it more beautiful__less loud, less sticky, less selfish__ more joy, more kindness, stronger words that make their souls stronger.

I've asked countless times, straining to hear this profound and glorious answer, longing to discover some long lost mystery that I've simply been missing over the years.

And every time I find myself on my knees again, I hear the same thing__ "My grace is sufficient for you."

And it doesn't feel like enough.

It feels like there should be something more tangible. It seems like He should answer me by simply making me into the woman that I long to be__into the woman that never makes mistakes, a woman whose tongue never ceases to lavish love. That's what seems beautiful to me.

He says otherwise.

He says "you will never be enough, but I will always be enough."

There are those verses that your heart learns in the early years of being a Christian. Verses like Jeremiah 29:11 & John 3:16. They are verses that somehow seem to lose their flare over the years; sometimes they feel overused and they become commonplace.

But the crazy thing is, they are the verses that can speak softly yet boldly through a lifetime. They are the verses that challenge what I really believe.

2 Corinthians 12:9 has been that for me over the years... ""My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

His grace is sufficient for me...

Is it? Is His grace truly sufficient for me? Is He truly enough?

As I mother through out these years, is it me and my perfect mothering that makes me beautiful, or, is it Him always near and lavishing His sweet grace in this place that makes my mothering beautiful?

And so, I keep asking myself over and over again, Is His grace really sufficient for me?

Ten years have gone by since I first became a mother. And truthfully, my mothering feels messier than ever.

And as I find the courage to move forward despite my mess, I am realizing that in my weaknesses, "His power rests on me" and His grace is turning these messy mothering days into something more beautiful than I ever could have mustered up with my own strengths.