Hard

I've been in a funk.

I have no idea what my deal is.

I have no idea if I'm sad, or mad, or lonely, or bored, or discontent, or hurt, or simply longing for my forever home?

There's really nothing to be in a funk about.

My dad was in town and he had a blast with my kids.
See...



Then the Cowboy surprised me with a plane ticket to my hometown. He hung out with the treasures here on our farm and I spent four days with one of my dearest friends in a place that I love, with people that I love, and food that I love, and familiar places that I love.

I thought I would come home refreshed and ready to jump back into life with my truly amazing treasures, but instead I spent my first day home grouchier than ever and wishing that I was anywhere but here.

So here I am.

School has been hard.

I bore out all my home schooling woes to my friend, the one who runs her own one room school house on the other side of town.

Then I bore it all to the Cowboy.

And the crazy thing is, they both said the same thing...

I have unrealistic expectations for myself and for my treasures.

And the thing is, I'm thinking they're probably right, but I have no clue what to do about it.

We've chosen to keep our kids at home, and with that choice I feel a tremendous responsibility to train them, to give them the best opportunities to learn.

But it's hard.

It's hard for me to be teacher and Mom. They need structure and consistency in our learning days, but they also need their Mama. They need to be nurtured and cared for. And it's hard for me to sway gracefully in between teacher-mode and mom-mode.

I didn't get a degree in how to teach little ones. Until recently, I had no idea how to teach a child to read. I know how to add 2+2, but to explain it to a child in a way that gives them a firm foundation in math is a lot harder than one might think.

I have to learn as they learn. And when I get frustrated, I'm usually frustrated at myself, not at them, simply because I have no idea how to explain to them whatever it is that we're trying to learn.

It's hard.

But the Cowboy keeps reminding me that just because something is hard, it doesn't mean it's the wrong thing. In fact, sometimes the hardest things can turn out to be the best things.

It's hard.

It's hard to remember that we didn't keep them home so that they could look exactly like the kids in the public school. But I grew up in the public school and it's more or less the only example that I know to glean from. It's nearly impossible for me to not compare my kids to the other kids around them.

But I'm finding that when I compare my kids to the other kids, I'm only hurting my kid's hearts. They start to think less of themselves and feel inadequate, when in reality they are doing their very best for the glory of God... and isn't that everything? The goal is not to keep up with the Jones. The goal Christ. It's always Christ. But on some days I forget, and my actions tell my treasures that reading at a certain speed is the goal, or memorizing math facts is the goal.

I find my heart battling... How can I tell my treasures that we live for an audience of One, but then show them with my words and my actions that what other people say and do is most important?

It's easy to talk about Jesus. It's hard to live like Jesus.

I'm a control freak and I know it.

How does a control freak relinquish some of her control so that her kids might flourish?

The first thing I need, is to heed to the words of my Savior,

He is, "the way, and the truth, and the life."

I AM NOT THEIR SAVIOR. Jesus is. It is NOT my job to be their Holy Spirit. Oh, but I live like it's all up to me. Maybe it's because I'm a busy bee and the doing comes way easier to me than the praying and the waiting. I am queen of wanting quick results. It's actually quite ridiculous when I say it out loud. If the Lord expected change out of me in the time frame that I expect change out of my children, I, quite frankly, wouldn't want a relationship with Him.

My expectations are unrealistic.

We are ALL in the learning in this house.

All of us.

And I want to be a Mama and a teacher who remembers that there is only One who really knows their hearts.

The second thing I need, is to keep looking up and stop looking out.

When I feel myself unable to keep up with the world I  shut down and hide out here in the farmhouse.

If only I could live confidently with my eyes aimed in the right direction?

I'm thankful for friends who text me truth throughout these funky days...

and soak this one up all you Mamas out there, cuz this one's good!!!

"When God calls our children to come to Him, even if we haven't gotten it all right, even if we've trained little pharisees or have a house full of prodigals, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM. He can break through all our flawed methods and redeem our frail errors. The world tells us that our children's success depends upon our success. The world knows nothing of God's ability to use our failures as a means to bless. What is impossible with man, IS possible with God. So even though we desire to be the one to place our children in the lap of God's mercy, and even though we stumble so badly trying to do so, JESUS IS STRONG ENOUGH to pick each of us up and carry us all the way home. Parents too, are weak. But JESUS IS STRONG. No one can thwart His plan, for He has chosen us all in advance, and He makes everything work out according to HIS plan." (Ephesians 1:11)

Ahh, sweet truth!

There's like this release or something that comes with the knowing that even if I mess it all up, I still can't mess up His plan for my children's lives. He's got them, despite me.

I am so thankful.

Just so thankful.

Today the Dancing Girl absolutely lost it in the middle of a geography lesson. I wanted to tell her to "buck up." I wanted to ask her if she would ever act this way with any of her other teachers.

But instead, I pulled her in close. She cried and I held her. A few minutes passed and her breathing slowed. And then she said it, "Thanks Mom." 

She smiled and I smiled, and then we got back to geography.

I don't always do things right around here. 

I don't have a clue how to always do things right around here. 

It's hard.

This teaching/mothering thing.

It's hard. But we're here and He's here and nothing is impossible with Him.

Woohoo for that! :)