Thursday, July 5, 2012

Just being me

I do it way more often than I wanna admit, even to myself.

Many might say it's just the way a woman is wired, but I'm not so sure about that.

I kind of wonder if it's a sligh work of the enemy?

This constant comparing, this eyeing of other people's talents, and finding myself blind to the very details He's picked out just for me.

Maybe the trouble comes in simply not knowing what exactly it is that He has picked out for me?

Or maybe it's just thinking that what He's picked out for me should be bigger, more significant, more visible?

But what it has all come down to lately is that I'm tired.

I'm tired of opening up her blog and wishing that I could write like that. I'm tired of reading that one person's testimony and wondering where my opportunity is to glorify Christ in such a powerful way. I'm weary in the competing.

Do you know what happens when you take the word COMPLETE, and you block out the letter "L".

Yep, you get the word  COMPETE.

And the irony of it all is that the Lord wants to compLete in me what He has started, but I'm too busy competing that I'm missing it..

I'm missing that utter joy that comes from a carefree confidence in simply__ being me.

I've been around the world and I've seen the Lord and so many of the mighty things that He can do. And I've seen Him use my mouth in speaking to young folks about their worth in Christ, and I've seen Him use my hands in rebuilding hope.

But now I live here, on this farm, with this man that I'm head over heals for, and four amazing treasures.

And it all feels a little to simple sometimes.

It feels small.

I feel small.

Lately I've been asking myself if small is enough?

I've been asking the Lord, if what I'm doing is enough, if how I'm living out these days is enough?

I wash a lot of dishes, I break up a lot of bickering, I do a lot of laundry and sometimes I muster up the discipline to pull the weeds out of the garden.

And every once in awhile, I have a tender conversation with a little person about our Jesus. There are moments where I link fingers with the Cowboy and lay it all bare in prayer.

But nothing's big, nothing's glorious. Very little seems significant.

Then I hear His still small voice questioning me right back.

"Who ever said that I'm only glorified in the great? Since when has my kingdom been all about those who are applauded by the world.

No, my sweet girl. 

Read it again...

'Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, 
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.'

You're significant, because I've made you, because I've chosen you. 
You're significant, because of Me."

I'm not serving AIDS patients in South Africa right now,
I'm simply kissing the scrapped up knees of the little folks on this farm.

I''m not doing dramas about salvation in the jungles of Panama right now,
I'm simply putting on my fanciest frock and playing Fancy Nancy with the two sweetest little girls I know.

I'm not cooking meals for the homeless right now,
I'm simply trying to joyfully get dinner on the table by the time the Cowboy gets home at 5.

I'm not listening to the inner thoughts of teenagers who are trying so intently to figure out their place in this life right now,
But I'm asking that He'll help me to be the kind of friend that loves real, and deep, and long, even if that simply means shooting an encouraging text, or picking up an extra gallon of milk at the grocery store for the Mama stuck at home with three sick treasures. 

I'm not currently searching for something significant to do for the Kingdom,

I'm simply trying to learn confidence and contentment in being plain-lovely me.

I am enough, because He_IS_ enough.

That's all this Mama heart really needs to know right now.