Wednesday, February 29, 2012

We Needed A Day...

We needed a day.
A day outside. 
A day away from The Farm, and the norm, and this Mama.

It's been one of those yucky weeks. 
One of those ones where I lose it on the treasures for lame reasons...
Where I cry in the kitchen over a burnt dinner...
Where I can't seem to see past my mistakes...
So we went to the park.


I can't stop thinking about grace. 
I  just can't grasp it. 
I've been  questioning  that if I could really grasp grace, then would I be better at receiving it? 
Would I be better at giving it out?
I struggle to give myself  grace. 
I struggle to give it to the ones that I love most .
If this is true, then  could I generously offer it those who aren't easy for me to love? 
Grace... unmerited favor... the giving of a reward where punishment  is deserved. 

 I get up in the mornings and I seek His face.
I read His Word.
I want to understand. 
But  I keep thinking upon the things that I do wrong. 
Thinking upon the moments where my words failed them today.
Sometimes, I'm genuinely wondering how I can say that I know Jesus, but still continue to be my sinful self.  
Why grace Lord? 
Why offer  this reward of seeing me as white when it's no secret that I am black?

Then , leave it to you Lord to gradually help my heart to understand.
Five minutes before, my words were far from being words that built my boy up.
Then we're sitting down  to lunch and we all bow our heads, and he starts his prayer,
"Thank you Lord... for my Mama."
The woman who stung his heart  but a few minutes before hand, that's the woman he's thanking his Jesus for. 
Isn't that the realest kind of grace?
My boy, he has no idea that he's teaching me.
He has no idea that he's just shown me that God can heal the sting of broken words, shown me that the work of the Spirit is dependable,
shown me that when one completely let's go of the sting, only then, can they offer, and know, true grace.

Now all I need to do, is practice what He's taking the time to teach, and offer myself some grace, along with offering others the same unmerited favor that my boy and my Jesus have  never ceased to offer me. :)