Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Who I Wanna Be; And Who I Am

I want eyes that see.

More than anything on this earth I want His eyes.

I want a mouth full of kind words. Words that make those around me stronger.

More than anything, I want His mouth.

I wanna be wise. I wanna know what to do when the breaking and the stinging and the sharp words rise up in this farmhouse full of sinners and all I really wanna do is join in the mess, rather than defuse the chaos with overwhelming kindness.

More than anything, I wanna be Christ with skin on to the five folks that live under this roof.

Why is it that the ones we love most, are the ones who get to see our ugliest sides?

Who I am, and who I wanna be, sometimes seem worlds apart.

And I wonder just how it is that the two "me's" that seem to battle back and forth in my heart, might ever collide and burst forth tender words that build up, gain eyes that see Him in everything, and stumble upon wisdom herself?

What my mind has been mauling over this week...

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead." (Philippians 3:7-11)

Do I really consider all things in my life to be nothing?
Do I really live Christ as my everything?

A treasure came into the kitchen carrying a paper full of her creativity, and a heart full of proud joy. She left the kitchen two minutes later sunken and questioning her God-given talents. I should of lavished affirmation. Instead I chose to be angry about her wasting paper.

I need His eyes.
I need His mouth.
I need His wisdom.

I make it right with her, apologize and ask forgiveness. Less than an hour passes and the same treasure, having forgotten such recent past, climbs up in this Mama's lap, and says it in confident happiness,

"I love Jesus more than anything Mama."

And I tear up, because I now know His mercy.

"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back." (Philippians 3:12-14)

I am not yet who I wanna be, but I am always and forever His...