The long days of summer have finally come. I woke this morning to a house warmed only by the sun, opened the french doors to the sunroom and all it's warmth. Sweet, fresh fruit on the table and a picture of iced tea.
Last night the kids were out romping around the fields with a dozen small friends... catching moths, playing hide and go seek in the blooming scrub brush forest on the north side of the farmhouse. Papa cooked up some steaks on the grill. Mama made the best kept secret potato casserole recipe on God's green earth. Friends brought summer berry cobbler and ice cream. We sat around the farm table and played Uno for a bit, laughing at the humor God had in the funny details of our many small children, one who kept the chip bowl on his head so that the other kids wouldn't steal his chips. :)
Papa started a fire in the fire pit and kids swung into the warm summer night air until their heart's content. Boys laughing on the front porch about bugs.
Oh how I've longed for this day to come. The day when I could walk out side to the perfect temp, the kind of air that you don't really even feel at all. The kind that your bare skin soaks up in a nearly surreal contentment.
And in all the glory of these summer days, my heart's hurting bad, worse than it has in a long while. I thought it might be that I am I homesick for CA. I thought that it might be that I feel lonely sometimes out on this farm by myself with these many small children. I thought it might be the way that I struggle to be content no matter where I am or what I'm doing.
But then this morning on the porch watching Him raise the sun high up over my head I think I realized that the true heartache comes from my homesickness for my eternal, forever home with Him. He's the only one who really makes all things good. The one who put the moon in the sky last night right next to the setting sun in all it's purples and pinks. The one who told the stars the very moment that they were to appear in the dark night sky. The one who made this Mama to live in this time and this place with this man and these kids. He knows my need and he knows how I look to fill my broken heart with things from Ross and busy-ing up my days with things that might make me feel like I'm making this one life that I've been given matter.
When these days of emptiness creep in, I know why I feel empty. Because in this house full of people, big and small, daily bleeding red, it's easy to get bogged down by the grossness of self and it's practically impossible, in my flesh, to choose to live in victory. He says it in His word, He says that I can live in victory. He says that He's overcome the world.
"In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." (1 John 5:3-5)
It's simple really, believe in Him, in the death and resurrection of His Son, have a little faith. But this heart of mine makes it so difficult. Where's the victory Lord? Why can't I seem to find it? Why do I feel so stuck in my sin when I know you, when I long for you, when I seek you moment by moment?
I'm here Lord. I'm Yours, all Yours. I may not "get it"... get this thing called life. But all the same, I'm yours and I want to know you and bring you glory. Use my life sweet Lord. Make my life a sweet incense to you. :)
May these long summer days, be days that lead me living in the victory that You say I already have.
With all my love... I pray these things Lord. :)