Today is our two oldest boys would-be 7th birthday. It's hard to believe that it has already been seven whole years since we spent the days before Christmas in the hospital with our first two treasures, trying to make decisions that we were way to young and immature to make... trying to cling to God's sovereignty in the things that most of us will never understand. Even now, seven years later it's hard for me to grasp the Lord's purposes in all the loss that he has taken Joey and I through.
Each year around this time I find myself taking moments out of my day remembering them. Not long after we let them go, my sister in law made us this lovely box. With each move I have carried that box, and I always place it near me somewhere in our bedroom where I can see it often. It's filled with memories of our boys. There are cards in it from those who showered love on us during that season. It holds the clothes that they wore after birth. In it, their birth certificates lay right on top of their death certificates. And tucked away in the bottom right corner of the little wooden box, is a smaller white box that has held their ashes for the past seven years.
And around this time each year...
I take the box out...
I slowly run my fingers across the top of the handwritten script...
both their names...
Samuel & Barnabas...
And underneath each name, God's Holy Word... scripture for each them.
The tears fall and I allow the flood gate of emotions to open for a few brief moments. I allow myself to remember. I remember the good... the way they summersaulted in my belly, the countless hours that my Joey and I talked to them (about silly things usually :), the hours that we talked about what we would name them, the joy that surrounded their entire lives.
I remember the heartache... the choices that their Papa and I had to make, the letting go of (at the time) the only children we knew to be ours, the coming home with empty hands.
Our first boys were our great blessing. They lived only for a brief moment in time. But the Lord used them mightly. He used them to strengthen a marriage... my marriage. He used them to build a solid, genuine respect in me, towards my Joey... a respect that has carried us through the adventures of our past seven years since. He used those boys to teach the importance of surrendering all the children that the Lord might bring into our lives. He used those boys to teach me how to walk through regret and willingly receive His bountiful grace.
And since that day, seven seemingly short years ago, we've been blessed with many more amazing treasures. Today our youngest son turns five months. The 22nd is a special day in our home... My Joey was born on the 22nd, along with Samuel, Barnabas and Jedediah.
I might have had to say good-bye to my first two boys, but I am the better for it. Letting go of them has made me (and is still making me) the kind of wife I want to be, the kind of mother I want to be, and the kind of friend I want to be.
Happy Birthday sweet boys!!!! The Lord has used you in my life, for His glory! I am so blessed to be your Mama! :)
