I've never really had a good memory. My memory (or lack there of) has been a blessing and a curse throughout my life. It's a bummer when there are moments in my kids lives that I would like to keep at the forefront of my mind, but I seriously can't remember some things, which is part of the reason that I keep a blog. :) My poor memory is a blessing because although it is often times hard for me to remember the good, it is equally as difficult for me to remember the bad, which is nice because I don't often struggle with forgiveness or dwelling on negative things.
But this post isn't about the my mind's inability to remember things... it's more about my heart's ability to remember. Lately I have often found myself caught up in some of the difficulties of having many small children.
I have been focussing on my exhaustion rather than on the healthy bundle of blessing that looks up at me in the night with his giant bright blue eyes! His smile seems to whisper to me, "thanks for feeding me Mom!" :) And I wanna smile back, but the truth is that I usually fall asleep again the moment that I pop that bottle into his mouth and pray that he drinks fast!
I sometimes find myself trying to home school in my own strength. I forget that "The Lord is the strength of my life!".... I, am not, able to muster up enough of my own strength to make it through an hour, yet alone an entire day. SILLY ME! :)
I forget that my kids need to see Jesus in me in the way that I act, not just in the words that I say. They need to see Him in the way that I live my life.
In this season of some unknowns, I need to remember God's faithfulness. He has ALWAYS been faithful to me! Not one time has he left me stranded!
When I'm tempted to speak harshly to my children I need to remember that the Lord disciplines me in His LOVE, NOT in His anger.
I need to remember that John 3:16 isn't just a verse to memorize in Sunday school. It means that God loves me. He really, really loves me. He gave his one and only son to die so that I can be with Him. He would have given the same incredible gift if I had been the only person on left on earth.
I do church, I read the Word, I talk about Christian stuff... but the brutal, honest truth is that often, very often in fact, I forget that the whole reason I'm a Christian in the first place... is because He loves me.
So I have been posting reminders for myself in places that matter to me.
On Jed's bed is a little note that says, "You're gonna miss this."
On the mirror above our kitchen table, a question stares me in the face each morning when I sit down with the kids to start our studies for the day... It says, "Who is your strength? No really, WHO IS YOUR STRENGTH?"
My closet is the place that I escape to when I get overwhelmed by our many small children. Behind the door is a post-it note that says, "The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped!" When I feel like I just might lose it, I tell my kiddos that I will be right back, and I quietly walk (run :) into my closet, close the door, and beg God to be my strength, to make me wise in the moment, and to allow me to choose to live a life of love towards my children, even though that is the absolute last thing that I feel like doing.
I highlighted John 3:16 in my Bible and placed my bookmark there. And each morning that is the one and only verse that I have been reading. I read it over and over again. I read it out loud to myself. And I thank God that He loves me. That He really, really loves me. And I ask Him to help my heart to believe that it is really true.
I need reminders. I need them constantly. Yes, my mind forgets things often. And that's ok, I guess. But I want my heart to remember... remember everything that matters.