Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Processing...

I'm just processing all that is going on in my little life over here... I am confident that the Lord has called us to this next step in our lives... But it feels good to confess out loud that the total honest truth is that I don't want to go... And I am coming to grips with the fact that it's ok to not wanna go... It doesn't change the fact that I'm going... But it's ok to not want to.

I'm afraid... I'm afraid of change... I'm afraid of new things... I'm afraid of having to stare my weaknesses right in the face knowing that now they will have an audience... I'm afraid of this family seeing the real me... the me that is so far from perfect (I know none of us are perfect but that doesn't change the fact that right now I am really wishing that I was)... the me that doesn't wake up joyfully... the me that doesn't always feel like talking... the me that snaps, that's sometimes short tempered... the me that shuts down when I'm uncomfortable... The me that daily lets my kids down, and the me that sometimes finds myself speaking unkindly to my husband...

I'm afraid of the change of all my kids being in the same room and Skyler waking up every night... I'm afraid of wanting to escape and having no where to go... I'm afraid of the possibility of conflict resulting in the loss of friendship... I'm sad to leave our home... This is the longest we have been in one place since we got married nine years ago... I have so many memories with my kids here. Halee learned to walk here, Skyler was born here, my kids have created a whole pretend world in this home. Joey and I have spent countless hours of having meaningful conversations about the Lord, and our kids, and our love for each other... all in this home. It's hard to remind myself sometimes that this earth is not our home... simply because it's all I know... and although I have the hope of heaven and eternity with Jesus, this earth is tangible... Gardendale Road is a place that my hands can touch, and my eyes can see, and my heart can remember...

Where the Lord leads I wanna follow... It's just that I wish it wasn't so hard... i don't know where I got the idea that following where the Lord leads is ever easy... the more I process it the more I think that I should have expected nothing less than a God-size request... What I mean is that my whole purpose on this earth is to learn through experience how to trust in my Jesus, how to love like he does, how to overcome fear, how to have deep deep fellowship with other believers and how to somehow learn to let that deeply rooted fellowship and love be so overflowing that it splashes out into the lives of those around me who don't know the Lord.

Nothing about any of this so-called calling sounds easy...

I have felt like Jonah lately... the Lord has made things very clear to me but I am feeling overwhelmingly tempted to runaway... there are moments when the thought of being in the belly of a whale feels easier than what we are about to embark on...

If it really feels this scary and overwhelming then why go?

Simply put... obedience, trust, submission... not fun words, but life-altering words... words that change us and mold us and make us more like HIM! Who doesn't want to be more like him?

A few scriptures that have been in my heart for years have been popping back up to the surface lately... Ones like, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING, in ALL your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." Everyone knows that verse... we say it to seniors in high school when they are trying to decide what the next step in their lives are... But I am deciding that it is more than just a cliche' verse that we spread around as a source of encouragement... don't get me wrong, it is a source of encouragement, but it's also so much more than that... For me right now, it's a call to let go of all the things that I am afraid of and to dive in with complete abandonment and TRUST that the Lord really does have me in his hands... He has my kids in his hands... He knows their needs far more than I ever will... He has the ability to guide me and direct my paths, if I diligently seek him, and he will show me how to be the best mom that I can be in the midst of our new home. He will meet all of my needs, not merely physical needs, but emotionally and spiritually, he will not let me fall!

My thoughts feel endless these days but I need to get back to my life... lunch, clean up, naps, empty boxes that need to be packed...

I'll pop in again soon... :)