A few weeks ago a friend posted a great prayer idea on her blog that she found from another blog called "Bring The Rain"... (I put the link on my side bar to both the prayer idea and the blog) I went to the blog excited about the prayer idea of how I could pray for my kids seven times a day, seven days a week... It turned out that the blog was about a woman who had found out at her twenty week appointment that her baby wasn't going to make it... but she carried the baby until full term. She had started the blog within a few days of her ultra sound and she shared her journey as it unfolded...
So, I had this brilliant idea that I would read through her story... I had no idea what the Lord had for me as I began to read each post... I started in the early evening after I put the kids to bed and before I knew it each post made me curious about the next post and the next post... hours past, tears came... I found myself hesitantly telling the Lord that he was welcome to come into any part of my heart that may need refining... I began to think about all the memories that I had with our boys, Samuel and Barnabas... (On the 22nd of this month they would have been five years old, I can't believe how time has past)...
He took me through a little journey that night that I know will last forever in my heart... It began with memories of thankfulness... I found my self thanking the Lord out loud for the time that we did have with our boys...
Thankful for the moment that we found out that we were having twins... The ride home from the ultrasound, we called every person we could possibly think of and told them the news... We had such pride, Thankful for the times that Joey and I would sit in bed at night and talk to them about silly things... Joey would tell them jokes and I would laugh my pregnant belly laugh and tell them how funny their Papa was... Thankful for all the times that they jumped for joy in my tummy... thankful that Joey was able to feel them soo many times... Thankful for the way that even though their life was short, they were used in such mighty ways to bring glory to the King of Kings..
As I read on in the blog, my heart turned from thankfulness to deep, deep sadness... The Lord took me to places in my heart that I just haven't allowed myself to go in a really long time... I don't think it was because I was trying to avoid going to those places but I simply didn't even know that those things were there in my heart to even think about...
Truth be told... I miss them... I miss Samuel and Barnabas so much it physically hurts...
What I wouldn't give to kiss them so much that they belly laugh... What I wouldn't give to know what their laugh sounds like... Or what their skin feels like against mine as I wrap my arms around them and hold them as tight as I possibly can...
There is part of me that sometimes tries to convince my heart to move on, move past the loss of my boys... sometimes I have the same thoughts about the loss of my mother... (I know it's not the right way to think I am just being completely honest and vulnerable here). But that night as I read through the blog, I felt soo free to feel everything and anything that I wanted to feel as I wept in my Heavenly Father's arms! So in that moment of freedom that's what I did... I wept and I wept and I wept. And it was a sweet place to be. Maybe one of the sweetest that I have ever been to. I fell asleep in that place that night... and I slept so hard and so good.
***
The next day Joey and I went on a date and I shared some of the things that I had read with him. He reminded me that the the things that we had gone through at that time, the decisions that we had made, the unity that the Lord has given us, was the plan that he had for us. He has a different story written for each person, for each couple... none are the same and the blessing is that we can rest in that truth. I was grateful for that reminder...
And as Joey and I walked along the beach that afternoon... something happened... for the billionth time I thought about the pictures that the nurse at the hospital took the day our boys were born. They put the pictures in my file and told me that the records office would hold them for five years... This is year number 5...
I asked joey if he thought it was a coincidence that the Lord was bringing up all this stuff in my heart at this very time. And we both came to the conclusion that we need to take a bold step and call the records office...
***
So last Monday, I prayed all morning... I prayed that whoever was at the records office that day, whoever was going to talk to me, I prayed that they would be kind, that they would be gentle. I prayed that they would somehow know to be sensitive to our situation... It is a situation so dear to my heart I couldn't bear for someone to be short or rude...
It took me ALL morning to muster up the courage...
Finally, I called.
I told the lady my situation and before I knew it we were both in tears!
She spent nearly 20 minutes on the phone with me, walking me through each step. She told me that once I got my paper work in they would call me and let me know when I could come pick up my pictures. The Lord once again was sooooo faithful in giving me this lady.
***
It took me a few days but Thursday I mustered up the courage to fax the papers to the records office... I went over to my friend Milly's house and she let me use her printer and her fax machine... It was a big step for me... One that I needed Jesus size strength for... And as always, the Lord was gracious in giving me just what I needed.
***
When the pictures are in our hands we know that the Lord will give us what we need to unseal the envelope... One step at a time...
Until then...
" I know there will be days
when this life brings me pain,
But if that's what it takes to praise you Jesus,
Bring The Rain."
Stay tuned... i know the Lord has a lot in store for the Clark house this Christmas season.
Blessing upon blessing...
Truth be told... I miss them... I miss Samuel and Barnabas so much it physically hurts...
What I wouldn't give to kiss them so much that they belly laugh... What I wouldn't give to know what their laugh sounds like... Or what their skin feels like against mine as I wrap my arms around them and hold them as tight as I possibly can...
There is part of me that sometimes tries to convince my heart to move on, move past the loss of my boys... sometimes I have the same thoughts about the loss of my mother... (I know it's not the right way to think I am just being completely honest and vulnerable here). But that night as I read through the blog, I felt soo free to feel everything and anything that I wanted to feel as I wept in my Heavenly Father's arms! So in that moment of freedom that's what I did... I wept and I wept and I wept. And it was a sweet place to be. Maybe one of the sweetest that I have ever been to. I fell asleep in that place that night... and I slept so hard and so good.
***
The next day Joey and I went on a date and I shared some of the things that I had read with him. He reminded me that the the things that we had gone through at that time, the decisions that we had made, the unity that the Lord has given us, was the plan that he had for us. He has a different story written for each person, for each couple... none are the same and the blessing is that we can rest in that truth. I was grateful for that reminder...
And as Joey and I walked along the beach that afternoon... something happened... for the billionth time I thought about the pictures that the nurse at the hospital took the day our boys were born. They put the pictures in my file and told me that the records office would hold them for five years... This is year number 5...
I asked joey if he thought it was a coincidence that the Lord was bringing up all this stuff in my heart at this very time. And we both came to the conclusion that we need to take a bold step and call the records office...
***
So last Monday, I prayed all morning... I prayed that whoever was at the records office that day, whoever was going to talk to me, I prayed that they would be kind, that they would be gentle. I prayed that they would somehow know to be sensitive to our situation... It is a situation so dear to my heart I couldn't bear for someone to be short or rude...
It took me ALL morning to muster up the courage...
Finally, I called.
I told the lady my situation and before I knew it we were both in tears!
She spent nearly 20 minutes on the phone with me, walking me through each step. She told me that once I got my paper work in they would call me and let me know when I could come pick up my pictures. The Lord once again was sooooo faithful in giving me this lady.
***
It took me a few days but Thursday I mustered up the courage to fax the papers to the records office... I went over to my friend Milly's house and she let me use her printer and her fax machine... It was a big step for me... One that I needed Jesus size strength for... And as always, the Lord was gracious in giving me just what I needed.
***
When the pictures are in our hands we know that the Lord will give us what we need to unseal the envelope... One step at a time...
Until then...
" I know there will be days
when this life brings me pain,
But if that's what it takes to praise you Jesus,
Bring The Rain."
Stay tuned... i know the Lord has a lot in store for the Clark house this Christmas season.
Blessing upon blessing...
