I've needed a fresh start. A quiet place to begin anew. A place that few know about.
I long for a place that's mainly an intimate conversation between me and my Jesus.
What I have always loved about our family blog is that it helps me to remember.
It helps me to recall moments that I would otherwise have forgotten.
It's a reminder of God's faithfulness to my ever-forgetful soul.
Where I am right now is in the middle of struggle. Truthfully my days often feel like a strain. It's not that the Lord is absent, it's just that life is hard. The kids bicker like mad dogs and it feels as if I can only keep my patience for a short portion of the day. I find myself flying off the handle and spouting out words that I wish with all my heart would never come out of my mouth. There's this constant tension, mixed in with good moments throughout the day. Shiloh's laugh, a brother's tender touch, someone offering to help without being asked, the funny little things the Spunky Girl says and does that seem to come from left field, a kind word of truth from my man.
I don't have the answers I long for. I'm in the Word daily, but it's not sinking in the way I long for it to do so. It feels as if I am going to be forever stuck in my crazy. My mind seriously cannot keep up on all that is happening under this roof day in and day out. All the life educating and all the academic educating, not to mention all the twists and turns with sicknesses and extra curricular activities and me trying to constantly self-educate so I can stay just one step ahead in the midst of meals and schedules and life.
It just feels loopy around here.
I have no doubt that we will make it through these crazy years. I just want to enjoy them more than I do. Sometimes I wish we lived out on a thousand acre ranch in the middle of the most beautiful place on earth where were free to block out the world and it's rather loud voice that tosses me to and fro like the wind does the waves. I'm not good and being steadfast. I'm not good at figuring out what really matters to me and sticking with it. I'm not good at tuning into the Lord and simultaneously tuning out the world. More than anything I long for control and I feel like I have absolutely none. I get up in the morning and I beg the Lord to help me. In the dark, quiet hours, I read His Word and I pray His Word, and then they come down stairs. The three-year-old starts talking a million miles a minute, demanding breakfast, taking from his sister who has only been awake for a whopping two minutes, and ends up needing correction and discipline within the first five minutes of most days. Then comes the kid who is easily overwhelmed. He's bothered that the little kids are so loud when he's trying to do his "read through the Bible" in a year plan. He usually has some ailment (his foot hurts, who his back hurts, or he didn't sleep well, or he's crying because he thinks he's been given to many things to accomplish in a day and he's never going to be able to accomplish those things even though it's only 6am and he has the whole day to accomplish all that's been placed on his plate.) Then at 7am, I have to wake up the girl who doesn't like waking up. She moves slowly and then cries because she's behind everyone else and always the last one to the table even though I wake her up early enough to get everything done in plenty of time for her to make it to the table for morning time. There's a brother who doesn't like that his sister is up before him. There's a sister who wants to be the first first one up. And they both get bent at each other EVERY STINKING MORNING over these things. Truth? Things have gotten so crazy that I have found myself swearing. I haven't been a "swearer" since the seventh grade. But somehow, being a Mama of six has brought me back to my immature junior high days. And quite frankly, I hate it.
So, no joke, by 7am, I seriously just want to crawl back into my bed and maybe never come out again.
All this said, I'm wondering what it is that I'm missing? Do I need to simplify my life? Do I need to get out more? How is it that the Words that my eyes are scanning each and everyday become my reality? How do I trust in the Lord with my children? How do I deal with all their squabbles? How do I direct their hearts without falling into such frustration and negativity myself? What I want them to remember most is our home being a safe, joy-filled, real & happy place where the Lord is always at work in a tangible way.
We're not there.
We're in the middle of a super mess, and I needed a place to keep it real, for the sake of my own crazy heart.
I needed a fresh start.