Who Defines "Good" Anyways??? The Conclusion To A Rather Unexpected Good Friday

When the Cowboy told me last week that he had Good Friday off of work and that we were taking the fam up north to buy a new van, I felt a bit angry and quite ridiculous if you want to know the truth. I mean truly... who spends the day that Christ suffered on the cross, in a tiny little cubicle signing papers for some monstrosity for themselves? Apparently, we do. 

And the first half of our long drive north was taken up with a lengthy little discussion about needs verses wants and how I just might have to face the fact that we are no longer a "small" family. And it's hard for me to think that things are changing and I DON'T like change. 

And I'm sitting there in the passenger seat trying my hardest to not get all worked up, to just go with the flow, to just trust the Cowboy, cuz the truth is he's right on this one. Maybe it's just bothering me even more because it's Good Friday and I'm thinking about how un-spiritual I feel and I'm wondering how we ended up here__ in this car__ driving north to get a different car__ On Good Friday?? 

The drive gets quiet and I'm thankful for a break from myself and the pessimism that can sometimes over take me, when I get a text from a friend... a text that takes me to a place that I had no idea I wanted to go on this Good Friday. 

She tells me that she's been up most of the night and that she thinks the Lord might be asking her that stinging question... the one that seems to keep popping up in my life... "Will you let go?"

And a few hours later when she texts again and confirms that indeed, her precious little baby is gone, I find myself thinking the least likely of things... what a strangely intimate gift that He might give on a Good Friday in March? 

That although the sting and the hurt are in no way lessened, there is this tenderness in His decision to chose this day, to ask my friend that question. 

Because the thing is, on this very day, He let go too. 

On this day in history, he lost his precious one too. 

And that He would take the time to draw my precious friend so close to Himself, on such a day as this, there is somehow a great sweetness in the sting. And alone in my thoughts, looking out the window as we drive down the highway, I can't help but thank Him that He would chose to draw her so near. Today just might be a day that she'll never forget, a day that might just allow her to see her sweet Savior like she has never seen Him before. It's no coincidence that He would chose today of all days. 

We're on our way to buy a van, and in the ordinary-ness of driving up the highway with a car full of treasures and a gracious Cowboy who listens to me wrestle with my own thoughts, and a text that becomes a window into Himself, I remember that I need only to let Him do His thing in me, in His time, with His purposes. 

We bought the van. It's big. It will be a blessing for our growing family. 

And on the way home the Cowboy comes up with the best idea of the day and again I'm reminded that He has plans for me. And the thing is, His plans are sooo much better than mine! 

I wanted to go this church service thing that was going on tonight. I thought it would make me feel like I was doing something right on Good Friday. 

But instead the Cowboy convinces the dealership to detail our Suburban. We had already worked out a deal to sell it to this amazing family for a certain price. 

But instead the Cowboy throws it out there, "What if we just gave it to them for $1?" And my entire face LIGHTS up! And my heart feels like it's about to burst because I cannot even tell you how many times the Cowboy and I have been on the receiving end and how many times I have cried tears of joy at the very tangible miracles that He has provided over My Joey and I. And to think that we would have the honor and the privilege to pass along His love in such a way on a Good Friday in March??? Wooohoooo!! We brought our friends the Burb. And ALL of us were royally blessed! :)

I didn't know that today would hold the things that it did. It's hard to really grasp what He did up there on that cross... the sin that He removed, and that relationship that He lavished on us instead. I couldn't have mustered up on my own the ways that He showed me Himself today. 

Why is it called "Good Friday"? I wonder if it has to do with the fact that His definition of "good" is so much different that all I've ever known. 

It's often in the sting that we truly know, that we know, that we know, His peace. 

It's often in the giving away that we can taste His sweet sweet joy. 

It's when the whole sky turns black, and the earth quakes, and the veil gets torn in half, and the blood drips, and the desperation has never been so mysterious... It's on GOOD Friday that a broken world begins a journey into unimaginable hope. 

Thoughts On A Good Friday

It's Good Friday. I think it should be this great spiritual experience but I don't even really know what that means. I know it's the day that we as Christians remember that Christ died for us. I read the story again this morning from Luke. What I want to know is why I am not moved to tears when I think about what Christ has done for me. I talk about Him all the time to my kids, to friends. I talk about Him like He's the most important thing on earth, but if I'm honest, I'm not moved by Him and all that He has done. Or maybe I am but it simply doesn't come out in emotion like I think it ought. Can you be genuinely moved by something and still be sitting perfectly still under the covers in your bed and wondering why you've committed your entire life to something? Is an emotional response the only evidence of true faith? Or is it really no evidence at all?

It's Good Friday and I want to celebrate what Christ has done. I want to find gratitude and even joy in the fact that my sins have been taken care of because of what Christ did on this day, for me, for an entire broken world. I never want to forget what an incredible rescue mission Jesus and His Father perfectly planned so that our sins would no longer separate us from our creator. 

Last night in small group we talked about fasting.There's another thing about the very faith that I claim that I truly know very little about. I get it's purpose but I so rarely chose it. It begins with an admitting of little gods in my life. And I know what they are but I so rarely face them. I just keep trudging along in my daily to-dos, staying stuck in things that I just don't want to take the time to shake, or maybe more honestly, I don't want the Spirit to do the hard work in me that I know it will take to mold those things out. 

I know the main thing that gets me every day of my life is my desire to control everything... in other words, my pride. It's what causes the daily breakdowns between me and my children. It's the central cause of strife in our home and I hate it. But clearly I don't hate it enough to do anything about it. 

Why am I training these children anyways? Is it so that they can appear "good" to our little world and all the folks that witness the ins and outs of our daily family life? Or is it that they might know their Jesus better? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ! (Galatians 1:10) But oh how I live to please man! Oh how I discipline out of shear annoyance and prideful frustration. 

Why do they call Good Friday, "Good" anyways? I think I'm beginning to understand a little bit. And it's nothing profound. It's simply that without this day, without this beyond-words-sacrifice of my sweet sweet Jesus, I would be left forever wanting and never seeing. It's Good because His willingness is what made it good.  Because of this day, this sacrifice, I am not who I want to be, but I am no where near who I once was.

Today is Good Friday and I feel like I should be doing something to make it all spiritual or something. But in the early hours this morning as I read the words that describe that great day, it's never going to be about what kind of spiritual experience I can create for myself or my family on a Friday in March, 2013 years after the fact that He has already done it all. I will never be able to "create" what He has already done.

So today, in whatever He sees fit to bring, I will praise Him with a grateful heart. A deep, deep gratitude, for the very thought that He would want to be with me to the point of giving His absolute all. 

Today, I'll remember that the hardest days are often times the best days. That the fruit of pain can often be the sweetest fruit. That to lose everything is really great gain. That Jesus loves you and me with one selfless, extravagant love. 

Happy Good Friday...The sting before the greatest joy man has EVER been able to know. 

{Resurrection Eggs.... you can make them yourself here. It's such a fun way to teach the treasures about all that their Jesus went through, that they might know Him and His extravagant love for them. :) This year the treasures had a lovely idea to make a few extras and deliver them to some friends so they too could jump into the fun.  :)}

Loss & Peace & Walking Alongside

Our cousins were in town last week and can you believe that I didn't even take one picture the entire week?? But we had a blast and I was so blessed that they would want to spend their Spring Break here at The Farm. They're in the process of adopting their three precious treasures and we were so blessed to watch them love on those kids of theirs. :)

And in the midst of the joys and chaos of 12 folks bunking here in our quaint, little cottage, I received news last week that my precious friend who was just two weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy, delivered her sweet little boy at 21 weeks and he did not make it. 

I lost it.

My heart lost it like the day we had to give back our own. 

It was the kind of "losing it" where you have trouble finding your breath.

It really doesn't matter if you've carried you're baby for two seconds or 8 months, there is a connection the moment that the two little lines appear on the stick and the letting go stings deep... No-Matter-What.

The truth is, I haven't even had a chance to talk with my friend. 

We've texted. 

And last weekend The Cowboy and I and the kids drove up to her house and dropped off a small gift. I wore a baggie coat as not to accentuate my own little belly. My friend and her husband were asleep and I sat in their kitchen with her mother-in-law, whom I had never met, and I wept as I shared our story, and how my heart broke all over again over theirs. Inside the gift bag was a small box with her son's name on it, and attached was a simple card explaining why. 

When we had lost our boys, my sweet sister-in-law gave me a gift that hasn't left my bed-side since day one. It has the names of our twins on it and inside I put their whole little lives. There are cards from people who loved them even though they never got to meet them. There is a journal that I wrote in the first few months after they were born. Their birth and death certificates, the clothes they wore in the hospital, and the small, white box that holds their ashes. It was a gift that I never knew to ask for, but that I now feel I could never live without. 

The hardest part about loss is that it can't be fixed. And when it happens to those we love, the first thing we want to do is make it all better.

I can't fix it. 

But I can care. 

I can love, and I can mourn alongside. 

I can bring a meal or a small wooden box that might hold a handful of the only thing left; memories. 

We can't fix the yucky things in this life. But we can walk through them together and remind each other of the glorious riches of His Kingdom. We can be thankful that here in this place, with our messy hearts, and all they entangle... it's all only temporary. 

It's only temporary. 

We're a broken mess down here, but our three little boys are in the very place that my friend and I long to be, in the very presence of the One who loves them perfectly! How incredibly sweet is that?? :)

And His peace. 

How else can we move forward but with His peace that surpasses all understanding? 

You keep him in perfect peace

    whose mind is stayed on you,
    because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3

We talked about His perfect peace at Bible Study this morning. And the truth is that His perfect peace is so often beyond what our human words are able to convey. 

His peace can't be a feeling because so often when we experience that peace that surpasses understanding, it's happening right alongside our pain. His perfect peace doesn't mean we give ourselves a pep talk and convince ourselves that all is well when clearly it is not. 

His perfect peace does not cast out all pain, but it does cast out our fear. It enables us to walk through the very things that we once thought to be impossible.

Maybe peace is an extension of surrender? Of our acceptance with joy of all that He gives? 

Ten years have passed and there are still days when I'm looking for a pair of socks and my eyes pass over that precious box on top of our dresser that my dear dear friend thought to give, and the tears just stream down. The pain is far from gone, but He is so near. He has always been near.

You keep him in perfect peace

    whose mind is stayed on you,
    because he trusts in you.

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And although my precious friend had to say good bye last week, the Lord has not asked that of me this time around.

And so, here we are, at twenty weeks and we continue to soak up the moments that He HAS given. Because really, ALL is grace. ALL is gift. 

He didn't have to give anything. But instead, He has chosen to give everything, through the One He chose to give up for us. 

I felt our little one move for the first time last week. 

I'm outwardly, joyfully, thankful for that. 

And even though The Cowboy and I have been here several times, the wonder of it all never ceases to amaze me. 

We're grateful.

We're blessed.

We're hurting alongside.

We're broken.

We're slowly growing up in Him.

He's near.

He gives peace.

He gets it. He gets us.

And He gave it all that we might know HIs perfect peace in the least likely of places.

The Treasures

Today there was a break in the weather and it was a sizzling 51 degrees. The kids and I made it to park. 

It was a muddy mess and we all loved every second of it. :)

Happy days here on the farm... :)

For The New, The Old, And The In Between

There is a lot I wish I had known when I first became a Mama.

But the truth is, even if someone had told me, I might not have been in a place to hear. It's strange how the Lord brings the wisdom we need in the moments we need them. It's strange, yet refreshing and freeing in a sense.

I have four little people that I interact with all day long and you would think that by now I would have things under control and I would be a wonderful problem solver, patient in all our daily endeavors, and knowledgeable of all my treasure's needs.

That's simply not the case.

I can't even count how many times a day I find myself looking up and muttering, "What the Hec am I supposed to do now??" {And on the really humbling days, I find myself using stronger words than "hec".}

Motherhood is hard. 

Let's just lay that one simple truth on the table. If we know that, we can breath a little easier and find comeradery where the enemy wants us to find loneliness.

There is a lot about motherhood that I know nothing about.

And today I just needed a little reminder. My heart needed a place to breath, a place to remember that motherhood is a lifelong venture that rarely ever comes in contact with instant gratification. 

Today, I needed to remember these things...

They're the things that others have taught me along the way...

They're the things that the new, the old, and the in between, could always take a refreshing dip in...

So here it is, a note to myself on a Wednesday morning in March...

1. Never forget the extent of your purpose... Mama, your job is irreplaceable. You are a magnificent woman, chosen by the King of Kings, to raise souls for the pleasure and glory of the most high God. Your calling is anything but small. When done well, the effects of your life spent pouring into souls, will last for ETERNITY. You have great purpose! On the hard days... remember your purpose.

2. There is tremendous blessing (on both sides) when you take the time to train them well... Each child's training will look different. Some will need a steady flow of consequences, while others will respond quickly to gentle reminders. Don't be afraid to give to each his own need. It might seem hard at first, the figuring out of individual needs, but God is faithful to show you and strengthen you. Don't grow weary of repeating, repeating, repeating. Give your children the gift of meaning what you say and saying only what you mean. Empty threats bring forth disobedient children but the following through of a mother against her willful child develops trust between the two of them, and eventually, a willing obedience in the child. If we quit after the first, of even the fiftieth try, we will miss out on the triumph that comes with perseverance and our children will miss out on the joy-filled life that comes with obedience. Take the time to train, even on the days that it feels like it's not working.

3. Pray... Prayer is your greatest tool. When in doubt, or at a total loss, PRAY.

4. Back up all your choices with scripture... Education, discipline, friendships, family rules, priorities...The Bible really does have something to say about pretty much everything. We may not always like what it says, but His Word is unfailing, trustworthy, and full of the best kind of wisdom. {The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom}. If we can't back our decisions up with the scriptures, then maybe we should be making different decisions?

5. Flood your home with grace... Grace for the treasures and grace for the Mama. If at first you fall on your face, get back up on your knees, and try try again. Forgive and ask forgiveness, as often as needed. Maybe that means several times a day during certain seasons? Pride tears a family apart. Humility knits a family tightly together. It begins with Mamas. What we exemplify is what our kids will grow up to live out in their own lives.

6. Never let your treasures doubt how in love you truly are with their Papa... Kiss that man of yours, hug him, tell him the things you like about him in front of your children! My two oldest giggle every time they come into the kitchen and see their Mama wrapped up in their Papa's arms. But as they grow, we want their memories to always hold their parents love and affection towards one another.

7. You WILL learn as you go... You don't need to know everything there is to know about parenting, today. He is faithful to reveal in His perfect timing, everything necessary for you to know. He'll give you wisdom for each child, each day... no need to run ahead. Stay in the moments, and soak them up. They truly are fleeting!

My oldest is turning 8 in a few weeks. He's in a wonderfully sweet, wonderfully overwhelming phase where he's beyond helpful, independent and responsible, and yet emotional, often sharp with his words, wanting to lead, but lacking the skills to lead selflessly. He's very specific and he never seems to stop asking questions... ALL DAY LONG. He challenges me from the moment he walks down the stairs in the morning until he closes his eyes at night. I love him with my whole heart and I'm thankful for the ways that the Lord is teaching me to love and care for a little guy that is so different from me and also so like me. We are always in the learning around here. 

And isn't that motherhood? 

A constant running into Jesus? 

A humble letting go of ourselves that we might see and know more of Him? 

I guess it doesn't really matter how old or how new we are to mothering, we all need Jesus. :) 

Farm Food

My friend Kim told me about this recipe that she had found on Pinterest.

She said it was pretty good.

But what she forgot to say was that it wasn't just good...

IT WAS THE MOST DELIGHTFUL THING TO TOUCH MY TONGUE SINCE CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM ON A HOT SUMMER DAY!

No, seriously... When I made this chicken for my family, all four kids, the Cowboy, and Gramps, couldn't help but talk about it through the entire meal. The Dancing Girl said that she would now like to have this chicken for her Birthday dinner instead of her usual favorite, pizza.

This is good stuff friends! I hope I've built it up enough for you to go to the store this afternoon, buy the ingredients, and try it tonight for dinner. :)

I got the picture below off Pinterest, and in all honesty, it hardly does it justice.




It's really not hard to make and you definitely don't want to skip out on the sauce because the sauce it what makes the whole thing come together in pure deliciousness!!

So here it goes...

Ingredients:

3 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cut in half (like you’re butterflying, but finish the cut)

12 slices deli honey ham (I used black forest sliced EXTRA thin)

1 cup Panko bread crumbs (I doubled this)

2 tablespoons butter, melted (I doubled this)

1/2 pounds thinly sliced Swiss cheese

Parmesan-Dijon Cream Sauce

2 tablespoons butter

2 tablespoons all-purpose flour

1 cup milk

1 chicken bouillon cube, crushed (Ileft this ingredient out simply because I forgot to buy some at the store)

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 tablespoon Dijon mustard

1/2 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce

1/2 cup finely grated Parmesan cheese

Parsley, for garnish if desired

(I doubled the sauce recipe as I was making enough chicken for 7 people)

Directions:

1. Coat a 9″ x 13″ baking dish with non-stick cooking spray.  Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
2. In a medium bowl, combine the bread crumbs and 2 tablespoons melted butter; set aside.
3. Lay all of the chicken breast halves in a single layer in the bottom of your baking dish – unlike the traditional CCB recipe, there is no second layer of chicken in this dish.  Top each breast with two slices of ham and 2 slices of Swiss cheese, so that the entire breast is covered.  Sprinkle bread crumbs over the top of the chicken.
4. Bake for 30 to 35 minutes, or until the chicken is cooked through (clear juices), the cheese is bubbly and the bread crumbs are golden brown.
5. While the chicken bakes, melt 2 tablespoons butter in a medium sauce pan over medium heat.  Whisk in the flour to form a roux, cook for 1 to 2 minutes.  Slowly pour in the milk while whisking constantly, make sure there are no clumps.  Stir in the bouillon and salt.  Whisk constantly until the mixture begins to thicken, about 5 to 7 minutes.  Remove from heat and stir in mustard, Worcestershire sauce, and Parmesan cheese.  Stir until the cheese is melted.  Keep the sauce warm.
6. Remove chicken from oven, plate, and top with sauce.

Enjoy!!!

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I have also found a lovely afternoon snack that I just might have been eating every single afternoon because my pregnant self LOVES it and it takes about as much energy to put together as this tired Mama can muster up.

Here it goes...

Put 

2 frozen bananas 

1/4 of nonfat milk &

1 TBLS of peanut butter (not the healthy kind...the kind filled with sugar and hydrogynated oils... it's soo good!)

in a blender.

Blend. Blend. Blend.

Drink.

It's so wonderful I tell ya! :)

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And the last bit of kitchen information that I would love to share with y'all today is this...

I have been trying to master the perfect hard-boiled egg for 13 years now and I think I have truly found the trick...

Place eggs in cold water in a pot with a generous sprinkle of baking soda. (The baking soda is the trick to making the shell easy to peel at the end. It seriously works)

From the time you place the pot on the stove with the heat on medium/high, set the timer for 17 minutes. 

Remove from heat and cover. Set timer for 15 minutes.

Rinse under cold water then peel. 

Awesome huh?

Well there you go, that's what's cooking on The Farm these days. :)

Hope you're having a lovely weekend!