I know how hard it is because I struggle with the very same thing.
I know how frustrating it can be when the spunky girl still tunes you out after the fiftieth time that you've tried to tell her something. I know that anger that rises deep within when someone takes your lego-masterpiece, throws it on the floor, breaks it, then runs the other way laughing.
I get it.
I truly get it.
And when My Siah looses it on his sister for the umpteenth time on a Tuesday, I send him up to his room and tell him that I'll join him in awhile for a little chat.
How Lord, am I to hold this son accountable to the very things that I too struggle with?
I've read it a thousand times.
And I know with my whole heart that it's true...
"Do I really smother my own joy because I believe that anger achieves more than love? That Satan's way is more powerful, more practical, more fulfilling in my daily life than Jesus' way? Why else get angry?"
And I've passed on this trait to my son.
The son that sits up in his room... I've got to find a way into his heart. But how when my own example flails?
I wipe down the last of the kitchen counters and pray fervently for my son and I and the way that our words move around in this house.
I make my way up the stairs and quietly open his door, peek in. He's sobbing on his bed and before I can even offer a word, he says it loud and clear and I am at a total loss...
"Why am I such a bad boy? I just keep on being bad."
All I wanna do is hold him... so I do just that.
Does he know that I ask the Lord nearly everyday that same question? The treasures and I, we talk daily of how all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Is that what I talk about with my son in this moment?
Or is now simply another opportunity for the glorious joy and hope of the gospel?
I remind that sweet boy of mine that he's not alone.
"Remember your Mama and the way she flails with you and the way she forgets and the way she lets that yucky enemy in?
Remember the way that He loves those who believe in Him?
Remember that grace, the kind He offers so freely?
Remember how we read just this morning the amazing power that the disciples received when the Holy Spirit came upon them in that upper room?
Here we are, you and me in this upper-attic room of yours, and that same Holy Spirit is here with you and me that was there with the disciples. Son. we might keep on struggling with these words of ours for a very long time. But each time we forget that love trumps anger, we need only to go to the cross, and there, find a gentle reminder to choose Him."
My Siah sat there under his covers and his weeping turned into whimpering and him and I we confessed our mouths (Mama too, cuz I am the chief of sinners in this home), and we asked our sweet Lord for strength, that He might do in us what we are unable to do in ourselves.
I've held my boy several times this week.
Once he said to me,
"How many times can I be forgiven Mama?"
"Endless," I told him with a heart filled smile on my face.
"There is nothing you could ever do to make Him love you less. Nothing."
"He forgives as far as the east is from the west....
Seventy times seven...
And while on the cross He pleaded with His Father,
"Father forgive them for they know not what they do..."
Even in our worst moment He offered us forgiveness.
He forgives before we even ask.
He is perfect grace. And He gives freely... simply because you know Him and you've said that your life is His."
My son, I know things under this roof are so far from perfect. I know that we bruise one another... often. But in the learning I pray that you would never doubt His extravagant love for you!
"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." (colossians 3:12-14)
Lord, thank you for this farmhouse, these kids, mistakes, and forgiveness.
It's all making us run straight into You.
Out of the messy days, You are making all things beautiful.