The glorious days of summer are slowly fading and Fall is taking over the Farm. The air is cooler and I've been spending the past week and a half talking my California girls, the ones who insist that spaghetti straps and flip flops are year-round attire, through the importance of wearing pants when it's 40 degrees outside.
And me, well, I've been lying in bed in the mornings watching the clock continuing on without me, thinking about the mess.
Do you ever just stop for those brief moments in your days as a Mama and think to yourself, "Am I just making a mess out this whole thing? My children are a mess. I'm a mess. What in the world Lord?"
Last week, us at the dentist, it turns out that the dancing girl's back two teeth have giant holes in them. She needs crowns. The big brother has three cavities that need filling.
For the past month the littlest one wants to be in my arms 24/7. Maybe he's getting teeth? Maybe he's sick? Maybe he's perfectly fine and just likes his Mama? He doesn't eat a whole lot, at least not like the other ones do. He doesn't drink as much as I would like him to. I worry about him sometimes. Aren't Mama's supposed to know these kinds of things?...
Well apparently I don't. :)
My Siah went to his first sleepover last night. I woke up this morning thinking, "Hooray! He must have done just fine!"
That was of course until I found my phone on silent in my purse!! A phone that had three missed calls and two texts from the Mama who was up at midnight cleaning up my kid's throw up!!! Of course he's fine now. But just the thought of it... the thought that I wasn't there for My Siah when he was away from home for the first time with friends. The thought of knowing how much I long for my own Mama when I'm sick and the knowing that she's not there, and there's nothing I can do about it except to try to be brave even when everything in me just wants to cry. The thought of my dear friend up in the wee hours of the morning cleaning up nasty stuff. :(
It's one thing after another that just makes you doubt whether or not you were cut out for this job.
And it's strange to me, because I can lift up and encourage another mom with truth that restores and brings life but then when it comes to my own mothering, if I'm real, and I vulnerably lay it all out on the table... I doubt. I preach, but do I myself believe?
I believe in God... whole-heartedly.
But do I believe Him when he says that "He tends his flock like a shepherd: (that) He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; (that) He gently leads those who have young?" (Isaiah 40:11)
Do I believe that He has given me everything I need within the pages of His Word, for life and for parenting these many small children? (2 Timothy 3:17)
In the day-to-day, in the moments of bad teeth, and throw up, and feeling at a total loss as to the needs of a particular child, I wonder.
I wonder Lord, if I was really cut out for this high-calling?
I know I'm not a bad mom. But how is it that I can brush my little girls teeth every single day of the week an not notice that she has TWO gaping holes in the back of her mouth? Why is it that I let the whining and the bickering that seems sometimes constant, wear me down, when I know that all day long I simply have the opportunity to be that soft, guiding, teaching voice, to my treasures, that same voice that the Lord Himself is to me?
And here I am lying in bed, wondering how it is that I am to do it all over again today? How am I going to try again today to somehow not see it all as mess?
I'm here hashing it out with the Lord. And this thought crosses my mind.,
What's so wrong with the mess?
It's okay to be a mess.
It's okay that you have messy days.
It's okay that your littlest treasure has been covered in nail polish for the past three days because you can't figure out how to get it off without dousing him in nail polish remover, which you don't wanna do.
It's okay that the spunky girl has two different shoes on because you can't keep track of everyones shoes for the life of you.
It's okay that the kids have have eaten cereal for dinner for three days straight now because you haven't had time to go to the grocery store with the Cowboy out of town and the treasures taking turns with the silver, throw-up bowl.
When did Christ ever say that to be a godly, loving Mama I had to have it all together? All he said was, shower them with words that are helpful for building them up. Make it right with them when you've wronged them. Do your best for the glory of God (not man) with the moments that He's picked out for you. Love God and love them with all your heart, mind and soul. And that's about it!
Love and learn, laugh and cry, mess up and forgive them and yourself.
Siah and I sat in church together today. He must have reminded me three times that I didn't answer my phone last night when he was throwing up and wanted to come home. And each time he told me, I pulled him close and whispered sorry into his ear and asked his forgiveness. I hurt his heart and I will gladly apologize over and over again until I know, that he knows, that my heart was never to hurt his, but that Mama's simply make mistakes, just like kids do.
That, my son, is why we all need Jesus. Simply because He gives us hope in our mistakes.
He doesn't take the messy us away. He just somehow uses the messy us to make us more like Him and help us to learn to somehow love each other better.
Photos of the little boy who doesn't wanna leave his Mama's side... in full blown joy, by his Mama's side. :)
The Messy days,
That it's okay.
A restoring conversation in the early morning hours with the cowboy before the the sun or the treasures are up.
That He uses me anyways.
Littlest boy dancing to Foster the People.
Another Monday morning,
another day for grace.
The life giving Word,
a lovely beginning.
A long melting hug from My Siah,
How the dancing girl glows on Mondays,
today is ballet... :)
A trip to Sprouts over the weekend,
fresh healthy treats for the treasures.
A kind Word from a friend,
one who hugs me and prays over me and somehow still likes me in my mess...
T__ been extra thankful for you lately.
A phone conversation with a kindred from back "home".
Covered in prayer by kind friends from all over.
comments are open today... just in case you're a Mama who might have had a messy day or two. Can we pray for each other today? :)