The Wedding Dress

It's moving week... yet again...

We're going through the boxes in the garage... they've been there for six months and we haven't touched them. Do we really need the things hidden inside?

One such box holds my wedding dress. I got a little self-esteem boost today when I pulled out the long white dress and with some help from my neighbor was able to still zip it up. I couldn't breath very well once it was zipped... but still.. Ten years and seven babies later... Wouldn't it bring a smile to your face and put a little pep in your step??

Anyways, before I changed back into my regular clothes, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Gray hair glimmering in between the black strands, faint indentations (better known as wrinkles :) beginning to form around my very tired Mommy eyes... that loose flap of skin shifting back and forth under my arm that was so not there ten years ago when I first wore my snow white gown.

But as I looked in the mirror the odd thing was that I wasn't even so concerned with the physical things that have changed... I was thinking about my heart. I was thinking about the way it had changed over the years. Or maybe more accurately, I was thinking about the ways that it had stayed the same. As I stood there in that BEAUTIFUL dress I was thinking about this verse that was talked about at a Bible study last week. I was desperately trying to let it all soak in... the words... the life giving truth that one of my favorite friends that I've met out here spoke into my life a few nights ago. I heard what she said... I wanted to believe it... but like so many things, believing with a genuine heart is so much easier said than done.

Those words....

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light..." She read from The Word. She continued, "This is what He thinks of you... this is what He calls you. Let it sink in, and believe it."

Why is it that ten years later, some things about my heart are still exactly the same? Why do I allow my mind to choose to focus on my sin, rather than on the freedom that the Lord wants to offer me? Ten years later, the questions still remain...

I often wonder...

How is it that He sees me white as snow? How is it that he can freely forgive someone with a heart like mine? How is it that HE, the King of Kings, the most perfect, flawless, heavenly Father, The creator of all things, the Beginning and the End, the Most High... wants to call me, Kacy Nicole Clark, His daughter? Who am I that He would know my name, better yet call me His Very Own?

You would think that after all these years of being a christian, I would have grasped it. You would think that I would know that YES, I am a Royal Priesthood, I BELONG to God Himself.

The truth is that I still don't get it...

The truth is that more often than not I still don't believe it...

The truth is that it is really hard for me to believe things that I don't fully understand.

But above all my doubts stand firm MUCH greater truths.

The truth is... that no matter how much I lack understanding, if He declares it, then plain and simple, it is true. HE CALLS ME HIS OWN, therefore, I AM His own. He declares me righteous, therefore, I am righteous in His sight. He calls me his daughter, therefore, that is exactly what I am.

On the night of our wedding my Joey did something amazing. To this day it has been a tangible reminder to me of the tender, patient way that the Lord cherishes his daughters and loves on them with nothing less than an extravagant sort of love...

On the night of our wedding I came out the bathroom in hysterics. I was freaked out to say the least. Joey was my first everything... first boyfriend, first kiss, first..well, you get the picture. As I tried to explain to my Joey through my chopped up words why I was such a basket case, He sat me down on the bed and did something totally unexpected. He put his hands on each side of my head, then leaned in and gave me a kiss on each of my eyes. He thanked the Lord for my eyes and for how He had made my them just for my Joey. He moved onto my lips, then my ears. From the top of my head to the tip of my toes, He graciously, gently and genuinely thanked the Lord for each and every part. He thanked the Lord for the great gift that He had given him in allowing me to be his bride. He thanked the Lord for the life that we were going to live together, for the good, the bad, the joy, the sadness, the pretty and the ugly! In that single hour I not only felt loved, I knew love. And not a superficial, fleeting love, but instead a deep-intimate life long sort of love. Through his prayers, I knew that my Joey was choosing me. He didn't have to commit to loving me for forever, but he chose to do so.

In our ten years of marriage, I will admit that I have not always felt in love, but I am certain that no matter what circumstances may come our way, both Joey and I will always choose love, despite what we may or may not feel.

And so it is the same with my Jesus... I may not always feel that what He says is true, BUT

In the meantime... I will choose to believe what I do not fully understand... I will choose to see myself standing before Him in my pure, snow-white, extravagant dress and cherish His still small voice whispering in my ear, as He calls me His bride.