The Concert

I am so NOT a concert person... But I am most certainly a Joey-person and any opportunity I have to go somewhere treasure-less with my man... I"M IN!

So our childhood friend, Cubbie, is touring The US with his band, Foster The People. They were playing at The Walnut Room last night in town. His whole family was there and it was truly sweet to see familiar folks from back home.

Our friend Autumn hung out with our treasures and we had a nice long drive up to Denver. As we were driving out the farm gates Joey looked over at me and said, "So what do you wanna talk about?" It made me smile... that's usually my line. :)

We were able to go out to dinner with Cubbie and his soon to be bride, Bec, at this quaint little crepe restaurant in the center of downtown. I don't know her very well yet, but she's super down to earth, genuine and real, the kind of gal that I could easily pass the hours with, drinking a cup of tea while sitting on the couch in my living room. She's a keeper I'd say. :) Can't wait to celebrate them at their wedding in a few short weeks. :) Yipee!

Back to the concert... the opening band was actually pretty fun, the sound wasn't so intensely loud, so I could actually hear and understand what they were saying. My favorite part, absolutely least favorite part of the evening was having to watch the zillions of make-out couples who kept on groping each other the entire time that we were trying to watch the concert! I mean, seriously! I'm all about making-out, but there comes a point when you just need to get a room... ya know what I mean? Geez-a-lou!!!!

Ok, enough about that... When Foster The People finally got on stage (which was seriously like three hours past Joey and my bed time) I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. Like I said, I'm not really a concert person but this band is actually good. Like truly. I don't dance either... well, what I should say is, I dance, just not when anyone else is looking. Last year I saw myself on a video trying to keep the beat while trying to skate around a roller rink and unfortunately it thrust me into the realization that I have absolutely no rhythm what-so-ever! :) So now I guess I just kind of bounce. But I truly enjoyed every minute of it. :)

And in the end, we got home after mid-night, which is the latest either of has stayed up since 2005. And as we pulled back into the farm gates I thought to myself how I think we might just need to go out together more often. :)

His Writing On The Walls

I'm a visual learner. My eyes have to see for my mind to soak in. After dark for weeks now I've been retreating to the school room table. The treasures are in bed, my Joey is fast asleep on couch (it's 7:30pm folks :). I gather up a warm cup of tea, a paper plate, a small cup of water. I find a handful of brushes in the closet, some oil crayons deep inside a drawer.

I'm not an artist by any sense of the word.

I sit down to six empty canvas' staring blank back at me.

I need His Word on my walls so that my eyes can see and my heart can remember. Where to begin? Those verses I love? The ones that I struggle to live out? The powerful simplicity of His Words? How can I choose? Where, Lord, can I begin?

I recently saw words on old metal signs down at the Hobby Lobby in town. They were His Words, in simple form read....

FOrgive Everyone Everything.

Forgiveness is with certainty a series of steps in the daily dance that I'm living. It's offered to me freely seventy times seven by the four little treasures in my home. Might I learn to forgive the way that they do... the way that He does... forgiving... everyone... everything... always?

That's where I'll start.

Forgive

Everyone

Everything...

A few nights later I'm lying in bed. It's dark and my eyes are refusing to rest. Looking around our safe-haven, it's my favorite room in the farm house, and my eyes catch a glimpse of the photo framed in wood resting on the sill. It's a captured memory of the the day we gave each other a couple of left hand rings, the day we spoke Hebrews 10:24 as a promise to one another... a promise that we would never give up in spurring one another on towards love, obedience, Him.

That's it... the next canvas...

I slip out of bed, make another cup of tea, and sit alone in the quiet hours, knowing that when the sun begins to rise, so does the volume and come morning my eyes will need to be scanning His Words, lovingly written on the wall...

Let us

Consider How

We May

Spur One Another

On

Towards Love

And

Good Deeds....

The next morning, the sun rises, the volume rises, the heat rises, my voice rises and I remember, I remember that it's His kindness that woos me, His kindness that draws me into Him, His kindness keeps on leading me into repentance.

That's it, another white canvas transformed into color, more of His Words on the wall...

DoThe

Kindest

Things

In The

Kindest

Ways

No sooner do I brush the last stroke, throw the paper plate in the trash, turn around to my Joey walking through the front door from mowing the fields.

He says words and they rub me the wrong way and my guard goes up and my heart shuts down. He gets what he needs then heads back out to his work, I'm left in the kitchen with my own girly thoughts.

Why doesn't love look like the movies and when did I ever think that true love comes without a cost? When did I start to believe that the raw, real love could possibly be fueled by selfishness and fear of the vulnerable humility? Why am I so cautious and when will I learn to accept the pain that so often leads to a greater joy?

My Joey, he has no idea that he's stung me. He's fully man, wise, yet simple-minded. In ten years of love He's never been a mind reader, what made me wake up this morning and think that all of a sudden he could see into my heart, guess my thoughts?

How does the Lord love and what did He say about how we should love?

His Love

Was Not

Cautious

But

Extravagant,

He did not love in

Order to get something

From us

But to give everything

Of Himself

To Us!

Love

Like

That!

When my Joey walks back in, hours have past and time has allowed me to push through the caution tape wrapped tightly around my soul. My Joey listens willingly as I fumble through words. Through forgiveness and a joke or two, he pulls me in close and things are made right.

I'm in the learning. It's written on my wall now. Daily reminding me to rid myself of caution when it comes to learning to love deep.

In Him, there is always deepest joy to be found after the deepest pain. Christ on the cross. The Father witnesses the horrific, humiliating death of His one and only Son, deepest pain... Only to make way for an intimate deep relationship with millions of His once lost, now found and extravagantly loved children. On the other side of the pain is the deepest of joys.

Two canvas' remain white tucked away in the corner by the tall black hutch. More life to be learned, more white transformed into color, more writing on the wall for my eyes to see and my soul to soak in...

*I'm a quiet Mama of four who spends most of her days doing laundry and washing dishes, but there's this hope that the raw and real mess that lies bare on these blog pages, will take me out my front door and into the rain of His extravagant love... To a place where I can witness His perfect love scattering all my fears.

She Speaks is a conference about 'a gathering of mentors who bend as midwives, to serve what God is birthing in your heart.' Ann Voscamp is offering a scholarship for the conference. I'm a gal most comfortable when no one is looking... Dare I step out into Him?? :)

10 Changes That Are Changing Me

Most things seem to boil down to a choice.

Things are changing slowly and I'm wondering if the changes have to do with the choices?

They're simple really... but for this soul they've fallen into the category of deep rescue... rescue from the rut, from the same old same old.

Some Changes That Are Changing Me...

1.Going to bed earlier, rising earlier, starting each day with my eyes scanning His Words and my brain racking and repeating to remember as much as it's old self can manage.

I've spent years telling myself that my time after the kids are in bed, is "my time"... time to just relax, to watch TV, to zone out after the chaos of my day. But lately I've been pondering two things... First, How is television really renewing my spirit, bringing me refreshment, or turning my thoughts towards Him. Hours of zoning out in front of the big box late into my nights, has not even one time, helped me to be a better mom, wife, or Christ follower.

And secondly I'm wondering, if at this point in my life, with many small children and a desire to choose kind words and loving actions towards them... would not earlier to bed and earlier to rise be two very simple steps that I can take that help me to be the kind of woman that I want to be. How can I ask the Lord to help me choose kindness, and develop patience, and then purposely make choices that cause me to continuously be exhausted?

I'm wondering... how can the hours after the treasures are in bed be better spent? Maybe chatting with and praying through the events of the day with my Joey? Writting a letter of encouragement to a friend? Finishing a project around the house? Watching the snowfall, sitting on the couch, in the dark, with my Joey, laughing about the simple, eating ice cream, finding out more of each others hearts, chatting up our dreams, our hands intertwined, being intentional about our time with one another? Painting, reading, making a little love, creating, building, discovering something new? Making PB &J for the kids, putting them to bed a bit early, having a late dinner for two with the man I love? My Savior's Words, the last thing my eyes see before falling asleep each night, the first thing they see when I rise each morning?? There seems hardly a shortage of meaningful things to do.

I have this one life that I've been given... the moments seem many, but in all realness, there are actually so few. How then will I live? What then will I choose?

2. Seeking to say YES to my treasures, as my lips seem way more familiar and comfortable with NO. Yes, you can have more bubbles in the sink. Yes, we can have friends over for dinner. Yes, you can play outside even though it's 45 degress. Yes, you can wear your Christmas dress and that cowboy costume to the grocery store.

3. Memorizing His Word WITH my treasures... together, at our kitchen table, after each meal, we started with Psalm 23, went onto Ephesians 4:29-32, and currently soaking up Philippians chapter 1.

4. More days without television. More days spent outside. More tents built with giant pillows in the living room. More bugs caught in the bug catcher. More trees climbed. More bikes rode. More make believe pirate ships found in the back yard. More walks through the 'forest'. More fires in the fire pit. More backflips flipped on the trampoline.

5. Slowing. Slowing in everything. Slowing to hear the birds chirping outside my window. Slowing to see the distress on oldest son's face. Slowing to listen to his thoughts. Slowing to read story after story to the treasures that fill up our home. Slowing to hold them long, squeeze them tight, savoring each moment with each of them. When I turn the day into an emergency, I miss out on the gifts that are constantly being showered over everything.

6. Less stress over the mess... Leaving the house to live life with friends while leaving a few dishes in the sink, dust on the furniture, laundry in the drier, scum on the toilet. What will my treasures remember more when they're grown and looking back on their time in our humble farmhouse? Will they remember how everything was spotless all the time, or will they remember a home full of deep joy, laughter, kindness and memories of living this one life well, together with Him? I pray my heart out for the latter. :)

7. Including our treasures in the everyday... unloading the dishwasher, picking out the apples at the store, wiping down the counters in the bathroom, getting the fields ready for spring. For whatever reason I've spent countless days separating the two, being with the kids and getting through the everyday... I'd play with them, thentry to 'get something done'. This change has also helped me with getting to bed earlier. Since we do a lot of chores together during the day, the nights are freed up to do other things besides clean. We're learning to do all of life all together.

As I write this Im thinking about how obvious this one is and I feel kinda silly admitting that it hasn't always been that obvious to me... :)

8. Speaking gratitude outloud in the midst of the strained and tense moments in my days. At this point I must confess that it is akward and often difficult to begin speaking words of thanks outloud when everything in me is simply flusterred and on the verge of explosion... But the moment I begin to speak those words.. Thank you for this one treasure, thank you that you answered my prayer in giving him/her to me, thank you that we have this moment to see more of you, to learn to problem solve, to learn and practice Your grace with one another... the volcano within me settles down, disapates, and my eyes begin to see more clearly how HE really is in, even this moment.

9. Counting the gifts...

#315-343

Spring break, homemade french bread pizza, a week of friendship, encouraging words, God-conversation, a son who wraps his arms around me several times a day, my lover's feet finding mine under the covers, gas in my car, an extra large iced tea that takes me ALL day to drink, fresh fruit in winter, painting after the treasures are all in bed, family projects on Saturdays, sitting in our warm home with a cup of tea warming my hands looking out at the frost covered forest, birthdays; true celebrations of the two of the greatest gifts ever given to me, my Siah, my Hal.

A few weeks worth of groceries, freshly folded laundry, hot water falling from the shower head, a call from my dad who's 'just checking in'. Learning to give out of sacrifice, not merely out of abundance. Prayers in the night with a scared son who's learning daily that HisFather's perfect love, scatters fear. Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness! Treasures who are constantly teaching me to forgive freely, always, in all things. Smallest treasure saying 'Mama' for the first time, clear as day! :)

10. Discovering His joy and living in His grace, in each of my moments.

Brothers

I'm not sure how many times a day I look into his squishy little face and say out loud, "Thank you... God, just Thank You!" Seriously can't believe that eight precious months have gone by and my little guy just keeps growing and laughing and sleeping and eating and then growing some more.

He's moving himself all around but not crawling. He sits like a champ now. My most favorite thing is the love between brothers that I get to see everyday. Although there is five years between our boys they have something sweet between the two of them. A few days ago Siah told me that he had something to show in his room. When I went upstairs he had moved things around and left a giant space open on one wall. "That's for Jed's bed so he'll have a nice place to stay when he gets old enough to be in my room." How sweet is that!!! :)

Joey and I have been talking about whether or not we should put the boys together since there is such an age gap... our conclusion is that there is never harm in fostering friendship between brothers. They'll only think it odd if we make it out to be odd. WE've always talked to Siah about them being together as being somewhat of a privilege and always a total blessing. Not everyone has the blessing of having their best friend sleeping in the bed next to them each night. I find myself often praying for their friendship, the genuine brotherly love between the two of them. I'm praying that the Lord gives me the daily wisdom that I need to foster their love and to encourage them to lean on, and build up one another in godly truth throughout their years together under this humble farmhouse roof.

This video of the two of them ought to make anyone having a bad day turn into all smiles...

In other news, my Jeddy's got two little teeth swimming alone in his otherwise sea of gums. He's been a bit more fussy and clingy, that sort of thing. But I'm not sad about it in the slightest cuz I love when he buries his snotty little face in my chest and how he comes up for air sporting the most giant full face smile that could make even one's worst moment better.

He's lovely and loved and all I can say is that I am so stoked on him!

Sometimes he gets a bit mad...

I'm still, so in love! :)

The Biggest Of Little Ways

It's those little things again... the things that appear to be simple and minor but really, to this heart, they're HUGE!

This past weekend she texted me...

"Are you and the girls free Sunday night?"

"Yep!"

"How about Disney Princesses on Ice? A gift from my man and I?"

"Really... you wanna do that?????"

"YES! YES! YES! Please just say YES!"

To her it might have just been a fun night out with the girls...

To me it was a tender act of kindness, a sweet reminder from HIM that even in this new place called home, He's got this Mama's heart in His hands. When we left our home town of thirty years, left comfort hoping for courage, we also left those whom we loved, and those who so graciously loved us... and more specifically our treasures.

When she texted me late on a friday night, I got a bit teary-eyed in my bed thinking of how the Lord brings those little things. He showers me and my kiddos with these sweet treats from above... with friendships, that though little time has past, these friends love deep. And often times, without even knowing it, these friends open themselves up to the little things that the Lord puts on their hearts.

Thanks my sweet friend for the MANY ways that you and your man are constantly blessing me and my family.

On Saturday morning I told the girls at the breakfast table about the text that I had recieved in the middle of the night... They cheered, danced, clapped, giggled... they were GLOWING! And I was so stoked for them!

They loved every second of it!

They clapped...

And stared...

They got all dressed up in their princess attire...

They laughed, and smiled from ear to ear...

I felt so blessed!

Oh how He loves in the biggest of little ways... :)

Unspoken Truth Is Spoken Everywhere

I've been reading Psalm 19 often throughout the pasts weeks.

Tonight I read it in The Message version. If you read it out loud it just might do this really crazy joy-thing in your soul...

"God's glory is on tour in the skies, God-craft on exhibit across the horizon.

Madame Day holds classes every morning,

Professor Night lectures each evening.

Their words aren't heard,

their voices aren't recorded,

But their silence fills the earth:

unspoken truth is spoken everywhere.

God makes a huge dome

for the sun—a superdome!

The morning sun's a new husband

leaping from his honeymoon bed,

The daybreaking sun an athlete

racing to the tape.

That's how God's Word vaults across the skies

from sunrise to sunset,

Melting ice, scorching deserts,

warming hearts to faith.

The revelation of God is whole

and pulls our lives together.

The signposts of God are clear

and point out the right road.

The life-maps of God are right,

showing the way to joy.

The directions of God are plain

and easy on the eyes.

God's reputation is twenty-four-carat gold,

with a lifetime guarantee.

The decisions of God are accurate

down to the nth degree.

God's Word is better than a diamond,

better than a diamond set between emeralds.

You'll like it better than strawberries in spring,

better than red, ripe strawberries.

There's more: God's Word warns us of danger

and directs us to hidden treasure.

Otherwise how will we find our way?

Or know when we play the fool?

Clean the slate, God, so we can start the day fresh!

Keep me from stupid sins,

from thinking I can take over your work;

Then I can start this day sun-washed,

scrubbed clean of the grime of sin.

These are the words in my mouth;

these are what I chew on and pray.

Accept them when I place them

on the morning altar,

O God, my Altar-Rock,

God, Priest-of-My-Altar."

I have been so overwhelmed by myself lately. My thoughts, my actions, the way I speak to those I love, the things I've made important in my heart... I've been so focused on self that some how... Some How... I've forgotten that I can start each day sun-washed & scrubbed clean of the grime of my own sin. I couldn't possibly express with my elementary words how incredibly lovely this is! How can I go even a day without His precious Word flooding my heart, my mind, my thoughts? Warm my heart towards You Lord! Direct me to hidden treasure! Please show me the way to joy.

Your Unspoken truth is spoken everywhere... How then Lord, are there so many days that I just don't see? Lord please don't let me miss out simply because I am to caught up in myself, in the way that my house looks, in the next thing that I want to buy, in the clothes on my back or in what my neighbor has that I don't. Increase my vision to see what you see. Break my heart for the things that break yours. Help me to live this one life empty of myself and excessively overflowing with you!

Often times the best medicine for a heart bogged down by self is simply a dose of unspoken truth spoken everywhere, drops of saline for the dry eye, truth painted beautifully in plain sight. He makes himself known everywhere, always, to everyone, we need only to ask for eyes that can see.

It's late on a Saturday night, I'm sitting in the dark punching keys, rubbing the soft blonde hair of my little girl treasure who's tossing and turning and moaning with an ear ache. I have a head cold, again. My Joey is snoring like a train plowing right through my bedroom...

Even so... EVEN SO...

He's warming my heart and showing me the way to joy.

Getting Things In Order

My most precious friend Tara has once again blessed my socks off and made our little family blog lovely. I could never thank her enough for the zillions of ways that she blesses me in this life. Truly, truly grateful for her.

Besides the design, we've made a few changes...

You can click on each of the pictures in the side bar to read a bit more about our little family and there are a few new links in the side bar as well.

A few of the links don't work quite yet but they will... :)

I also decided to remove the comment section from my blog. There are several reasons why this heart of mine needed to make this change but I guess it really started when I read this prayer over at her blog...

What I really truly want more than anything in this life is to be like Him, to bring glory to Him, to truly live for Him, and to be held up by Him, and be nudged into Him, always and forever in everything. But truth be told, I am the most fleshly of all women and I get caught up in others, in what they think of me... and if I'm not mindful, I start to care more about what they think than about what He thinks.

If I'm going to blog, I want to learn to blog genuinely for His glory, for His praise, for His honor. And thus no comments is a very small first step for me, to remind myself that anything I say, anything I write is only worth something if it leads others into His presence. This blog is the story of our little farm family longing for more and more of Him while living out the raw and real day-to-day with one another. My prayer is that when you read, you don't get caught up in our family and the things we do right or the things we do wrong, but rather you get lost in His wildest grace that He is so mercifully raining down on us each day of this crazy life.

I LOVE chatting about His extravagant love, about the real things, about the hard things, about the sweet things that He gives, about the sweet things that He takes away.

You can still contact me by slipping a little note in my inbox... @ leavingcomfortforcourage(at)gmail(dot)com.

So honored you stopped by our small space in this great big cyber world.

Hope your heart is blessed. :)

Raw & Real Family Worship

She doesn't listen. I've never had such a treasure in my home. The kind that makes me wonder whether her ears are hard of hearing or her heart is stuck in two-year-old pride. Sometimes I live the kind words. And other times I get ruined by grossness of my own sin.

This morning was such a morning. Out of the overflow of my heart came the raging me. The me that hits the last straw and just wants to throw my hands up and forget that I asked Him to clothe me in strength and dignity just this morning when the sun was rising and it was Him and I alone in my room.

In my own skin I flail, and I hurt their hearts and I wonder, how, if I know you Lord, how can I then continue to act the way that I sometimes do?

I escape for a moment into the basement, switch the laundry, lay my heart bare before... again.

It's only 8am. How are we going to make it through this day and bring you glory? How are we going to choose wisdom, kindness, others above ourselves in the hours that remain?

I confessed, searched my heart and found some truth that He has been writing there recently, took a deep breath, went back upstairs, sat on the rocker and called them all close...

I confessed my wrong, asked forgiveness.

They offered it freely... they always do.

But we were still in need of some hope.

Worship...

Worship always brings hope. I pushed power on our ihome, and through the speakers came words of praise.

And I tell the kids softly, "This one song... Let's listen together. The best part about worshiping God is that we can worship however we want... as long as our actions are wanting to tell Him, how much we love Him. You can dance, you can sing loud, or quietly, you can lift your hands high or fold them in your lap... whatever you do, do it ALL for Him."

The chorus creeps in and the praise gets louder and louder and I hear the words come through the speakers raining over my mistakes and making this day new...

"Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God You are higher than any other

Our God is Healer, awesome in power....."

He IS HEALER... everything in me breaths a sigh of relief.

There, in my living room with my arms stretched out long above my head and my eyes shut tight, I live surrender the only I know how... worship.

The song slows into the next verse and I open my eyes and I soak in each of them and the ways that they're learning to love Him...

My Hal is twirling her heart out.

"You can tell Him anything ya know," I throw it out there.

"I wanna tell you God, that I love you," Hal shouts as she spins and skips and throws her hands up in the air... her face is glowing and she's smiling with her whole body.

My Siah... He's mimicking his Mama with hands held high. I can see his lips moving. He knows the words by heart, he's heard them so many times. In the middle of the crowded room, he's lost and alone with His Jesus. You can see it all over his face, he's a bit unsure of his worship. I ask the same questions in my mind that he asks with his furrowed brow... "Is this pleasing to you Lord?" " Am I doing this thing called worship, right?" "Are my eyes closed tight enough? Are my hands held high enough? Am I , Lord, broken and wallowing in my own mudd, enough?"

I want to offer words of encouragement, lighten his feelings of inadequacy just a bit, but what comes to mind seems to simple. I say the words anyways, "He loves you just the way you are."

Siah opens his eyes and looks right into mine. "Am I doing it right Mama?"

"There's no right way to worship Si. As long as your heart is telling Him that you love Him... In whatever you do Si, do it all for the glory of God."

The skin on his face loosens and he smiles at me.

Then... little Reesie... the treasure that draws me to my knees. She's siting on the couch. Her hands are folded into one another and her face is a bit grouchy. She gets up off the couch and walks into my arms. I will confess that she is a hard one for me to read. I lift her up and begin to move with the music. She shouts my name, even though her mouth is a two inches from my ear...

"MOM?"

"Yes," I whisper back (because our life together(hers and mine) is this constant dance of shouting and whispering).

"Mom, can we have lunch?"

She's the real deal, and she's thinking more about lunch than anything else... and her thinking about lunch, doesn't phase Him one bit. In fact, He loves that she's thinking about lunch.

Family worship. We are four, together in a living room. All four of us are loaded with sin and soul issues. We need Him. We need Him, because without Him we're empty. If we don't come together and worship Him, how then will we be renewed, restored, able to make it through the next minute, the next hour, the next day?

We come together to worship. It's messy and it never really looks the way I think that it possibly should... sometimes they're thinking about lunch... but still... still He comes... still He makes new... Even still He loves.

The song slows to an end. All eyes are open and we look around at one another.

I break the silence with a final apology, "Sorry guys for this morning."

"Let's just try again Mom," Siah suggests.

"Ya, let's just try again," I say.

Another session of raw and real family worship lived...

Lent & The Hard Thanks

I've never really thought much about Lent. Never really understood what it's all about. Never been good at giving up chocolate or soda, or anything of that sort. I'm thirty one and I'm just starting to think that there might be something more to this season than complaining to others about how I'm so deprived because I'm trying in my own strength to not eat that one piece of chocolate sitting on my kitchen counter staring me in the face each morning. And inevitably I give in. And the season of lent just becomes this season of feeling like a failure and a season of more chocolate than ever.

I know my God though. I know that He doesn't ask things of us simply to make us feel ruined or destroyed inside. So this year I've decided to go on a hunt to really discover what the Lord had for his kids as they prepare their hearts, their minds for Easter. It's a hunt that's just beginning for me.

I've been reading through these devotions on the 40 day road to Easter Sunday. I also find it no coincidence that the Lord has plopped this book in my lap in recent months... A story of one woman's journey to find joy in her everyday. A story of gratitude and discovering that ALL is grace.

These titles have brought me a wonderment of the cross, a wonderment that I have not yet experienced up until now. I have been working through grace... What is grace... Where does God's grace go when the cancer diagnosis comes and when He asks the young mom to give back her first two babies to Him and to His will?

This week Hal has had some strange health things going on. Thus far all they can determine is that she is in desperate need of going #2. And I have caught myself several times this week whispering a grateful thanks to my Jesus for His grace... thanks that it's nothing more serious... thanks for a simple solution.

Last night though, her fever was back and her legs looked limp stretched out long across the couch. Her head resting in my lap as I gently tucked her hair behind her dainty-girl ear. I couldn't help but ponder His grace... What if someday the diagnosis is much more than constipation... what then will I say of His grace? How fervently then will I believe that His will is infinitely better than mine?

Don't we find that it's in the hard thanks that we really see and know our Savior?

It's when He took the bread and the wine and gave thanks to His Father for what He knew was about to happen...

giving thanks for being the crux of the greatest rescue plan that has ever existed...

giving thanks for taking on the sins of the ENTIRE world, talk about horrific...

thanks for the cross...

the HARD THANKS...

It's in the hard thanks that we learn to trust, despite our lack of understanding. It's in the hard thanks that we glorify Him with our life. It's in the letting go, in the loss of those we love deep, and trusting that in His sovereignty , He wastes nothing... that in His kindness, He weeps and mourns WITH us... that in His love, He redeems, He restores, He brings hope.

So in this season of Lent... this year is the first year in my entire life that Lent for me is not going to be about the chocolate. It's not about giving up material things so that I can swim in the grossness of my own pride. Instead, It's about soaking up the glorious gift of Him and Him alone. It's about giving thanks for the hard stuff. It's about choosing to bask in His kindness, not forgetting my circumstances and pretending that all is well when it is not, but knowing that in all things, at all times, He is in passionate pursuit of those who love Him... He is in passionate pursuit of me. He constantly has my best interests in mind. In the hard stuff He wants to draw me close, closer than I am to my own heartbeat.

My Jesus took the cup that His Father gave Him... the request was undoubtedly painful, this life is undoubtedly painful... But what a better opportunity then to learn to live the hard thanks... to find the joy that only comes in gratitude for ALL He gives? He himself gave thanks, knowing what was coming next... the cross.

All really is grace. He didn't have to give us one more breath. Today, He didn't have to let me feel her warm skin under my fingers, or let me see her gorgeous smile beam across her porcelain face. He didn't have to allow me the means to stay home with my treasures day in and day out or give me arms to wrap around her when I can think of no other way to bring her comfort in her pain. He didn't have to give a single moment. BUT HE DID! And each moment... whether blissful or burdensome... is pure gift... Each moment is another opportunity to bask in His presence, to hold on tightly to His promises, to discover more of His grace and His goodness. Whether laughing around a dinner table with the greatest of friends, or giving everything of Himself on the cross, He lived thanks.

Lord may I learn to genuinely live the hard thanks.

This season of Lent, of preparing for the glorious day of your resurrection, Can my thoughts constantly drift towards you... towards the example that you gave with your life... towards whole-heartedly believing that you really, truly are, my everything? Lord, please let it be so.

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Thank you Lord for the living breathing treasures that bring the mess and the worry, and the kind of pain that brings me to my knees. Thank you for the time that we have to be still together on the couch. Thank you for the whispered prayers that are a constant flow from these lips in the times of hard thanksgiving. Thank you for pigtails on the defiant treasure who finds no joy in receiving instruction from anybody. Thank you that her little spirit thrusts me into your Word daily, causes me to stay long and dig deep. Thank you for two sleeping treasures sprawled out and asleep in their beds at 8am on a Saturday morning.

Thanks for the frost that makes the farm beautiful. Thanks for the misunderstandings and the mistakes that cause us to talk and learn to problem solve in this little family of six. Thanks for places to swim and friends to swim with, for dishes that need washing and laundry piled high. Thank you that there's evidence of life constantly filling up this farm house. Thank you for pink toe nails on sisters, and brothers who wanna know why their toe nails can't be pink too. Thank you for lent, for the example of gratitude that You give in the hard stuff. Thank you that all really is grace. Thank you for eyes that are learning to see, and for a heart that is weak enough to be used for your glory. Thank you for shepherd's pie on a cool evening. Thank you that he's a Papa who loves being a Papa. Thank you that he helps and wants to know their hearts just as much as I do. Thank you that they laugh into each other's faces.

Thank you for YOU LORD... You above all else.